67 and New Year's Eve

I weigh 67 today. Now. I am still ill, although, I am about to finally finish my antibiotic and hope I will be finally totally fine. I've practically lost the whole last month, lying in bed and doing nothing cause I was so weak. I'm not in the mood to write anything, but this year has passed by so fast, I just wish the next one will go a bit slower and bring some joy and beautiful memories. I just wish 2012 will be better.

 

66,7

Slowly going down... Today is Christmas Eve, so I've decided to do the fast day. It's an old tradition (at least in Poland), rarely practised, but it exists. There's a belief that you should fast all day (to dignify Maria and Josepf's arduous tramp, when they were barefoot and hungry) and eat only a Christmas Dinner, when the whole family is together, but still - you don't eat meat on that day, all the dishes are meatless. And it should be 12 traditional dishes. Many of them contain cabbage, pea, mushrooms and pasta as these are relatively cheap products. Well, enough of that. I won't be having quite traditional dinner this year, so maybe tomorrow I won't be so surprised, stepping on a scale. Merry Christmas!

67 kg

I wish it was less, but as I told you, maybe today will be better. And tomorrow I will weight less. I will avoid white bread. I can't believe that just 3 days ago I was not even 66 kg, it's such a gain in such a short period of time. But, to be honest, I practically do not move. Lately, I don't go for a walk because it's too freezy and I am sick, I don't walk to school because I go everywhere with my friend, who owns a car... I have to change it immediately, I used to walk so much and it's the best exercise ever...

Summarizing

Well, today wasn't such a bad day. I ate approximately 1400 calories, but I didn't binge and I didn't puke. Although, I could spend those calories healthier, I ate a lot of white bread instatn soups. However, I also managed to ate oatmeal (170 cal) , 2 grapefruits (200 cal) and a small apple (50 cal). I've decided that I will try to change everything slowly, 1400 calories is probably too much if we're talking abour a strict diet, but, on the other hand, better this than binging and purging. This is my principle now: to avoid binging. I wrote down EVERYTHING I ate today, including this hopeless white bread-incident, and as I summed it all up - if I have binged and purged I would probably have intaken more calories. Well, I will try to do better tomorrow :)

67,2 and still sick

I thought my ilness was over, it's clearly not. I have to stay t home for another WEEK so I don't know if I go ANYWHERE for New Year's Eve. I must admitt I haven't eaten properly but this is brcause I'm so annoyed and tired... I don't have this hope&power combination crucial to fight your weight and diet... But I'm going to rediscover my zest and start everything over. Once Again. Soon.

65,9

I have to try harder, I miss the moment when I weighed 64,5 kg. 2 weeks till New Year starts.How much can I squeze? I should start learning. So lazy, bitch. I'm in a horrible shape and I should start working on myself. I freeze my facebook account. Mais c'est impossible! I' gonna prepare myself a breakfast and then I have to get down to work. STOP BEING LAZY BITCH OR YOU WON'T GET ANYWHERE. ANYWHERE! Holidays are fucking over, you have to start learning, the exams start in a month!

66,6

I was ill again. And I had my period. And I was sad and ate a lot. I can see that I've gained weight as I look at my hips and thighs. Awful. But no, I have to pull myself together and start fighting again. No more excuses, I have exactly 3 weeks till the end of the year and I want to exploit them as much as I can. And I wanna wear the perfect dress that I WANT on the New Year's Eve, not the one that will FIT me. Even if I am about to stay home alone and watch television, I won't be doing it accompanied by chocolate and chips. NO. Not this year. I HAVE changed. And I AM able to achieve what I want.

Unrealistic Dreams

I got into eating. I eat all day. Every day. Again. Vicious Circle. I know I have to pull myself together because I can't afford losing anymore time, but I just can't find the power in myself to do this...

67,3

I don't know what is happening... I can't fight it... I am defensless when it comes to eating now... I don't understand it, why am I so weak now? I was so strong during those last few weeks and now? What's happening with me?

BRAEAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE, I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN, I DON'T WANT TO EXIST I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR, I WANT TO HIDE UNDER MY SHEET AND NEVER EVER GO OUT AGAIN. I AM SO ASHAMED AND SO TIRED AND I JUST WANNA BE INVISIBLE.

64,9 ;(

Unfortunately, I overate yesterday. Badly. Moreover, I didn't have any laxatives left to use so I had to go to sleep with this awfully brimful stomach. Even worse is the fact that I just woke up, it's 8.30 in the morning and I am already hungry. How am I supposed to go through the whole day? I made some very, very bad decisions yesterday and they will haunt me frow now on; first time in last few days when I actually GAIN any weight instead of losing it... Very, very sad beginning of the week. 1 of December is on Saturday and I was hoping to see 63 kg on a scale, now I have to put off my plans, which makes me very angry. And while being angry, I eat. Not good, again. Well, I will have to face my fears and start over. As always.

64,5

Well, yesterday I didn't really eat much, some cottage cheese with radishes, an apple, lettuce with dressing and some swettened juice along with some alcohol (but again, not too much, more like 1 or 2 drinks). When I was home alone I did some exercising. I may have dropped some water, since I stopped drinking soda so I am not that bloated any more... It's true what they say about fizzy drinks. Anyway, today I have some errands to run, so not sure how my eating will turn out. Will try my best. Tomorrow I have my PE lesson, though I am glad it will help me burn some calories, it will be reaaaaly hard. Have to go now, bisous!

65 kg

Yes, it looks like hit the mini-goal. Although I binged a little yesterday, took some laxatives then (not that much) and the scale says what is says. It's nice, it's really, really nice. I am starting to look like human being again. And I haven't looked in so many years. I am starting to feel normal among other people, but it is still far away from confidence. I always feel like lacking something, especially taking look at my friends. They are all so normal and naturally beautiful and, well, my body is just fat; what's beautiful in that? Anyway, I am glad to see that number on a scale; I will try do better today, not having a breakdown which would  implicate a binge.

65,4

Well, yesterday I ate mostly fruits and vegetables (grapefruit, apple, grean beans, ice lettuce with a dressing) and some "bites" of other things. I also went to the gym. This is nice, I mean dropping weight, but I have to figure out some more specific and healthier plan of eating, now it's quite accidental and I'm afraid I am more likely to do something wrong and quit. I will figure it out soon, hopefully.

Today I am going to a party, but with a car, so I won't drink. I have my PE earlier and it will be tough I can imagine. Hope those exercises will help to boost my metabolism a little and maybe, maybe... I wish I could see 64 on a scale before December...

65,8 :)

Yesterday I was learning the whole day sitting on my ass so I was very pleased when I saw this number ;) It's 39 days till New Year's Eve and I promised myself some time ago that I will weight no more than 60kg on this day. So six kilos, 5 weeks... It's not impossible, but we will see. If I manage to do that, I will break the curse - last time I weighed that much was on New Years Eve in the first class or secondary school, so like 6 years ago?
Well, today I will hit the gym, I cannot predic how it will be with eating, but last two days I stayed out of unhealthy food, I even turned down the offer of two cakes and a chocolate...But how long will it last. Busy day again, as always lately, so I am going to eat my delicious grapefruit before leaving for school. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

66,3 ;)

Not so bad. I mean, six o'clock in the morning, without any laxatives - I don't moan. On the other hand, I do not see how could I possibly achieve my next goal - that is 64 kilos. Everything is so delayed by this illness... I don't wanna give up, it's just I feel now like I'm a little bit stucked in this weight. Not a nice feeling. Although, I appreciate how far I've come ( I mean this few months since my final exams) and I CAN fit into my pants, so it isn't all bad, but still... I don't have this FAITH, you know what I mean?

66.2 - one week in bed :(

I haven't posted any notes lately because I was ill and there was simply nothing to write about. I've been lying in bed the whole week, simply eating and drinking and sleeping (don't know why but I've convinced myself that eating helps for my sore throat), so I've gained some weight. I used some laxatives yesterday though ( I also overate enormously) and went for a quite long walk (to the forest), so that's why today's weight is a little normalized. Anyway, I feel like crap. I couldn't take my PE lesson last week as well as this one. I am overwhelmed with work, I have Midterm and tests and sooo much to do, and I simply couldn't do anything last week as I had a high temperature and was unable to work intelectually. Or otherwise. This is the explanation, the actual note will arrive later.

Unfortunate 66,6

This weekend didn't go as I expected, some unpredictable events came up and here I am- 1,5kg heavier than 2 days ago. But you cannot give up. I remember about my goal, it's 64kg and although this week may be pretty tough as well, I will try as hard as I can, so when my Midterm on  November 20th comes, I will be 64 finally. I will do that. I will stay calm and do what I have to. Nothing can stand on my way.

66,3 - feeling blue

I knew that was coming. I've decided yesterday that I will eat more so I my stomach has to challenge some more digesting and I knew today I will be a lot heavier, but still - it's sad. I will get back on a track though and I am not taking eyes of my 64 kg goal. I know I can do that. After last week I know I am able to do anything, I just have to be devoted to this. And I will start drinking apple vinegar.
I also need to modify my day routine and my customs. Like I constantly postpone everything I have to do and then I have no time for it and I'm stressed, moreover I don't have time to focus on anything BUT this homework at the same time because it's on my mind all the time (subconsciously). It sucks. It has to change. I want to change it. I am going to have breakfast with my parents (today a moderate diet, but I would like to maintain under 1000 cal) and then WORK WORK WORK.

65,2

Hm, this is nice. But I've started to wondering, isn't it just water? Because it's too easy and to fast, to pretty you can say to be true. Anyway, I ate some bread roll today and I will generally eat more because I don't want my metabolism to slow down quickly. I want to do some cycling as well, my ass and my hips and my tighs are soooo huge. Twice as big as my breast now. Bla bla bla, I want to lose weight. I want to weigh 64 kg by Thursday. YEP. Last time I weighed 65 kg in the first class of what, secondary school? Quite exciting so I'm not gonna give up.

65,8 -> :)

Yes, yes, yes.
I guess that indicates the scale is not broken.
Yesterday when I went to this party, I drank one small bear (400ml) and it was Sommersby, I guess smaller bottle has around 240 cal, so I drank like 200. I also ate a few peanuts, pumpkin seeds and raisins, but not a lot of them. When I came home I also ate some chicken loin (without bread or anything) so another 100 calories or something. I do not know how many calories exactly I consumed yesterday but I like what I'm seeing on a scale today. this 65 on the beginning... Priceless.

Also, I am happy because:

On Monday I I promised to "get down to my diet and workout and to get to 66kg at the and of the week." It's Friday and I weigh just below this number, so tomorrow or maybe even today (if I am lucky) I will treat myself with delightful soiree. Do you know when was the last time that I created a goal and actually achieve it? I don't.

66,3

I promised myself that when I hit 66kg sharp I would treat myself with a delightful soiree; magazines, candles and aromatic olis included. I hope I manage to do it (both losing 0,3kg and organizing the evening) till the end of a weekend.
I was rather surprised when today in the morning my scale showed this 66,3, I've even suspected it to be broken, but as I got home from school I weighted myslef again ( I only ate one apple, mini cupcake and a piece of bread along with some diet coke, coffee today) and it also shows 66,3. Well, maybe it means that scale really IS broken. I hope not, because I fit (with a huge difficulty and it hurt all day, but still, I buttoned them) into those legendary grey jeans.
Now I drink another huge coffee and I am going to the party twith my friend, but unfortunately I am the one who is driving. Although, maybe sum in sum it will turn out good for me that I cannot drink. Alcohol equals calories, right? So, beautiful and in-control party then!

66,9

Today I slept only for an hour as I was watching the elections. I was up the whole night, so I am just really tired. I met really nice guy and I would like us to be at least friends, he is so funny and kind... And I also like his face. Very much.
I should do some cycling but I am too exhausted, I think I will just go to bed for a few hours and then-study a little. It's high time. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and on Friday I have both my PE lesson and a friend's party, so I may need some rest now and I should have it while I can. Taugh week or even thaugh weeks ahead of me, I should say.
I remeber about my goal, it is still within my reach and I will try.

After Midnight

I've been very good all day,
for breakfast I ate cottage cheese with radish and rice cakes (240 cal)
for lunch I had green beans with 2 boiled eggs and 2 tomatoes (340 cal)
for dinner I had musli with yoghurt (220 cal)
after dinner I ate some cottage cheese with tomatoe and 3 rice cakes + apple (around 260 cal I guess).

I also went for a quite fast walk and drink only 0,5l of diet coke. I didn't binge, I didn't eat white bread, I didn't eat sweets. I weigh 68,8 kg now. Or 68,7 it really doesn't matter. And how not to binge if you try so hard all day and in the evening you weigh much more than you are supposed to, like one kilogram more than you supposed to?

Anyway, I summed up the calories - 1060. Even if it's not all proper, it couldn't have been more than 1300 (if I count every calorie I can think of) and I went for an hour walk, so it must knock off some 100 calories... So the balance is 1200 I guess? Never mind. Today morning I said I am taking the challenge. I would be a failure if I quitted just after 1 day. Although I feel like a failure.

67,8 after holidays

Yes, Saturday's evening and night are a blur, unfortunately yesterday's evening- also not that pleasing, but it is not SO bad after all. New week, here I come with new Power and Hope, convinced that I WILL do sometning during those upcoming days.
Firstly, I want to stop binging. I'm aware of the fact it is impossible to deal with it "just like that" but I want to draw myself a line - and this week, line means two times. I CANNOT BINGE MORE THAN TWICE THIS WEEK! I made a promise like this one time and it worked - for about a month, while I was having my school leaving exams. Now I want to go back to improving this annoying habit. That's all it is, a habit.
Secondly - I promise to get down to my diet and workout and to get to 66kg at the and of the week. It's not that much, it's not even 2kg and I know I can do that, I just have to be focused and determined. So MY GOAL IS TO WEIGH 66 KG by 12th OF NOVEMBER. It's simple goal and I will follow my path to achieve it. Small steps, they say. Well, it is high time we tried their advices.

67,7

Yesterday after the last note I ate some tuna salad along with some bread, I also ate about 2 oe 3 spoons of sauerkraut-and-meat stew, then I went to see my friends, I drank a 1l of cola light and I was home around midnight, and although I was a bit hungry, I didn't eat, I just went to bed and fall asleep (it was like 00.30 and this kind of behaviour doesn't occure in my daily routine).

Anyway, today in the morning (9.00 a.m.) I weighed 67,7kg.
It's 11 a.m. now and so far I have drunk a tea with skimmed milk (40cal), 2 cups of broth (30cal) and 2 tiny pieces of bread (30-40cal). Its just above 100 calories now, but I will probably go eat some healthy breakfast soon. It will be around 300 calories, because I lack some low caloric substitutes.
Then maybe a walk or something?

68,4

It's 6 o'clock in the evening and throughout the day I ate only 50g of white bread (lack of dark one), 1 apple and 1 big coffee with skimmed milk. Althuogh, now I am a little bit hungry so I will go to the kitchen and fix myself something quite healthy to eat, but I just wanted to post my observation that after a day of binging you ARE really bloated and if you not give up, and just try to slow down a little bit, you will also quickly see some decline on scale. Of course it would be even better if you go for a walk or exercise a little, but I was to tired for that. However, it wasn't all fat on the scale today's morning. My mom made a tuna salad, so probably it will be my choice when it comes to dinner, I think I have to provide my body some proteins after awful few days of carbs and fats.

69,2 - FAT BITCH

I hate holidays. I HATE THEM. All weekend sitting on my ass and eating, eating, eating... awful. Tomorrow I have a party. And I look like a fat cow. LAZY, STUPID, FAT BITCH! When you look like shit, you feel like shit. No more alcohol, no more sweets, no more bread, no more caloric shit. BIG, FAT, LOSER. I wanna be pretty. I just wanna be pretty, I want to be the girl boys actually look at. I don't want to wonder if he didn't want me because I'm fat. I want to feel confident. DISCIPLINE!!! DISCIPLINE IS THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE IT!!! I don't want to be whale again, I need to be taugh on myself. Anyone will try to convince you to let go, to have a little pleasure... Don't believe them. And don't try to persuade yourself you deserve a piece of pie. You deserve better, you deserve a slender body and new jeans along with high heels. Last few days I've been allowing myself to have a piece of cake (like others), to taste some fresh bread, to eat some dumplings... And you have no idea how much I regret it now, when I stepped on a scale and it showed I've gained what, 6 pounds? I've fought so hard to lose them... Then, during a few days, I turned my effort into dust. Taking a diet-break is so MISLEADING!!! You cannot afford it! DISCIPLINE IS WHAT YOU LIVE BY TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT!

Today's Menu

Breakfast:

180g of light cottage cheese with 200g of radish and 4 rice cakes

150+40+80=270 calories

Lunch:

50g of museli with 175g of light yoghurt and 230g apple

190+210+130=430 calories

Dinner:

This will be harder. Firstly, a roll - not one roll but few smaller pieces of roll - approximately 150 calories with some chicken loin - another 150 calories? I also ate 300g of green bean (90 cal) and about 300g of tomatoes (60 calories)  -> around 450 calories.


SUMMING UP:
1150 calories and I will probably drink a coffee with skimmed milk so it will be 1250 calories

It could be better but still - such a long day - it also could be a lot worse. And maybe tomorrow will be better. For now - two days without binging, I don't consume more calories than I should and I went for a walk today. And I don't know my weight yet ;)

My Eating Plan For Today

Breakfast:
-2 rice cakes
-200g of radish
-180g of light cottage cheese

40+40+150= 230 calories -> eaten

Lunch:
-chicken breast
-300g of green beans

200+100= 300 calories -> eaten

Tea:
-yoghurt
-muesli
-chewing gum

90+220+20= 330 calories -> eaten


Summing up:   230+300+330= 860 calories  <- MISSION ACOMPLISHED

 

This Is What Makes Us Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVjsGKrE6E8 - Summertime Sadness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEEX6dcPMiw - This Is What Makes Us Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzy6rO5noGg - Serial Killer


I've been listening to these songs all the time since yesterday, just in reverse order... I can't stop, they are so good! I underrated that girl, I have to admitt. Few month ago I fell in love with Radio and Carmen, not mentioning Video Games beacause it was like year ago. I didn't listen to her at all because I thought if there is such buzz about her in the media it must be some real shit (her look also didn't convince me), and I was so wrong. Shame on me for my ignorance.

68 kg

Yes, 68kg despite of yesterday's overeating - basically I've gained 2 pounds during this last week, which is a bit comforting as I thought I've gained twice that. But always that 1kg is the hardest to lose because it's kind of already settled and stable. Brrrrrrr. But I have a bigger picture in mind, remember - BIGGER PICTURE!
I promised myself if I reach 65kg (WHEN I reach 65kg) I will buy myself this pills for sculpting bust (I'd really wanna try it but it's very expensive and you risk the lot of money). And when I go under 67kg, I allow myself to drink from this sweet blue mug I've bought.
Anyway, this week I don't have my PE lessons but hopefully I will go for a cycling or something during the holidays (4 days this week, but unfortunately I have to catch up with a bunch of friends that I don't really want to so my really free time will be limited).

Veeeery Deceitful Chicken

So I ate... 3 pieces of chicken (that like 0,5kg) with mayonnaise and two rolls...
And then I ate an oatmeal with 3 spoons of sugar... And flavored milk. And muesli with yoghurt. And broccoli. And cottage cheese with sugar, And I am wondering : HOW? How it is possible that my stomach didn't explode? Seriously, I'm not counting calories anymore, just thinking of the phenomen of my stomach...

My Traditional Breakfast

There won't be any radishes soon, so I have to eat them as much as I can now, when they are still available. Nothing tastes as great as raw radish with light cottage cheese and salt. Actually nothing tastes better when you add dark Fitness Bread, but here come calories.

 Therefore I ate:

- 250g of radish (50 cal)

- 150g of light cottage cheese (120 cal)

- 2 rice cakes (40 cal)

So in total it's 210 calories.

Maybe later I will have a coffee with skimmed milk, so it will be another 100 calories.

Tadada-dammm...

Yes, I am not planning on weighing myself till my @ is over, but I want to remain healthy diet. I just would like to drop this few unhealthy pounds from last couple of weeks (I've gained about 5 pounds lately) and then I want to move on to the real, long lasting journey to slenderness, withuot weighing in every two days, wondering if I've lost 100g since the day before. I have a bigger goal going on, a bigger picture in my head!

Today we had a time-change in my country (we moved the clocks 1 hour back) so I guess it's a good sign of new beggining, fresh start. The winter is coming (even the snow has fallen and it's not even the Halloween yet!) and we all know the winter is a great season for a change, you can come back beautiful in the spring. The real diet I wanna starto on November 1st, it's on Thursday.

I want to welcome spring beautiful and slim!

Bless

Yes, I am so glad. So glad that I have a crush on this colleague, although nothing is gonna happen (why do I always say that? I am getting older and older and if I won't stop "letting go" - 'there will be another one', I will find myself lonely, miserable, 25 year old virgin in a minute), but I STOPPPED THINKING ABOUT THAT ONE... I finally don't give a fuck if he has a girlfriend, if he is married, what he thinks about me... I just don't care anymore. It's a relief. I can focus on myself now. And I will. I have a chance, I am free and not obligated to anyone but me. I don't have to do anything. Or impress anyone. I want to focus on my studies and my weight, that's what will define me in a few years on maybe even few month if I am lucky. Little progress is still a progress. I am the most important person in my life.

Only Fascination

I think I finally got over THIS fucked up guy I was writing about a couple of times. I just do not care anymore. He's changed and I know he is changed and there is nothing more that I want from him, nothing that impresses me (but good look of course, but this is what owes more than just one guy). The best way to forget about one guy is to... find another. That's what I did. He is the cutiest, funniest and most hadnsome guy I know right now and I even think that he kind of likes me, but unfortunatelly my old schoolmate likes him also, and firstly she is kind of hottie no guy can pass by and seconly - she is very good in seduction. It took her just a couple of hours to wrapp him around her finger... So he's lost for me and I am so angry cause I didn't dibs him on at the right time so now I cannot even say anything. And I knew him before she did, and I liked him first! SO PISSED OFF!! But at least I know I am able not to give a fuck about that jerk.

@@@

This has to be the reason for my chocolate cravings and my never-ending hunger for last few days. I also drank some alcohol yesterday and practically didn't sleep at all' now I am feeling bloated and exhausted. I spend all my money this week (and I still don't know for what, I mean, I know -food. Bad, junkie food that only caused me gaining more weight and I haven't weighted myself in a few days but I just feel how much heavier I become avery day) and it was a really shitty week. I didn't sleep practically the whole week, always doing something till late night, getting up early, drinking a lot of coffee (so unhealthy and I managed to avoid it for such a long time; such a shame I had to blow it) and eating a lot to offset this low rate of energy caused by the lack of sleep... I feel like a psycho...

68,3 - FAT FAT FAT

Magnessium doesn't work for me any more, I have been taking it too often lately. Not matters actually, but I weigh 68,3 kg. It's beyond ... everything. I've gained 1,5 or 1 kg again, we have 67 days to New Year's Eve and I think I better start doing something. Now I am in a real hurry, so I can't write more (although today there is a lot of what I would like to write about) but today is a gate between my old life (like past few years, especially LAST YEAR - till May, I have this total mindfuck going on) because I spend last few drops of this perfume I was given on my 18th birthday and reminds me of last summer when everything started happening (in my head mostly). From tomorrow morning - only new perfume that I got this year, and NEW PERFUME = NEW LIFE !

How to Survive School and Save the Money

1. Instead of buying a pack of chewing gum every day, keep a little bit of tooth past in the bag.

2. Instead of buying Coke every day (while you are bored with still water) take with yourself a thermos with tea. It can be flavored  black or green tea. You can also perk a mint tea.

3. Bring some packed small meals with yourself. A portion should contain between 100 to 300 calories. You should provide yourself 4 or 5 meals per day.

4. Walk as much as you possibly can - every break take a walk to the bathroom or take a stairs.

5. Stick to fixed meals hours - plan them while you know you will be able to eat, like when you have a school break or empty hour between classes.

Binge Binge Binge

I binge, binge, binge, binge, I consume a thousands of calories, I amwork tired, I work on stupid meaningless papers, I can't deal with anything, I suffer, I am hopeless, nobody likes me, I am lonely, I, I , I, self centred, cannot focus on anything, it's a mess, movies, music, mess, Hot Mess by Cobra Starship, no, no, no, my friends are going to a party but I can't cause I AM FAT and have lectures tomorrow, but mostly I am fat, I am tired, oh, I said that, I have a big huge stomach nobody calls me nobody wants me nobody loves me, I love him, he doesn't I am fat I suffer. The End.

67,4

Yesterday I didn't take any laxatives or Magnesium or anything, and now it's just 6 a. m. so I guess it's a quite agreeable weight ;)
Today it's a busy day and I have so much work to do, I don't believe my diet will be as good as the day before, but I'll try to figure out something.
For example, I have to eat a breakfast now in order to take my pills, but I will go with tomatoes and  light cottage cheese, it won't be devastating.
Well, I don't know if I will do the weigh-in tomorrow or if I wait a few days so I could see the results, but I WILL MAINTAIN DIET!!!

68,2 in the evening

Today I may be quite proud of myself because :

- it's my 6th day without smoking
- I didn't binge
- I ate approximately 750 calories
- I didn't binge
- I went to PE lesson
- I ran for about 20 minutes (not much, I know, but it was late, I was tired and I haven't done it in a  very long time)

How is it possible that I didn't ate more than 1000 calories?
- 2x light cottage cheese with radish and rice cakes
- 1x drinkable yoghurt
- 1x yoghurt with muesli
- 1x pack of chewing gum

And I guess it would be all. I don't know if you consider it a challenge, but I do. And I haven't had such "dietly" succesfull day in, well., weeks. Hope I do not jeopardize my efforts :)

 

67,8 - in the morning

In the morning I weighed 67,8 kg- nice one, but I took 1,5 slice of Magnesium yesterday, so was probably just dehydration. Nevertheless, I decided to be optymistic and stick to the diet today.

So far I ate:

- 2 rice cakes with 1 triangle of light cream cheese (70 cal)
- 220g of radish with 120g of light cottage cheese (140 cal)
- 1 apple with 1 cereal bar (220 cal)
- 300g of broccoli with slice of light cheese (140 cal)

570 calories so far but I'm gonna go and fix myself some chicken because I am still hungry and could really use some proteins.

21 October

Well, today i am feeling better. Maybe my mother's return has something to do with it. Although we don't speak to each other much, the fact she is here makes me feel less lonely.
However I look bad with spots all over my face, but it doesn't really matter that much if I eat properly - they should be gone in a few days. This is my 5th day without smoking. I don't even feel like it anymore (first 3 days I had the worst cravings), but the IDEA of how I sit on a terrace in the evening, listening to the sad music and thinking about the boy I like, who has a girlfriend and doesn't want me... so tempting. I do not deal with rejection well. Any kind of unpleasant feelings, actually.
But I'm aware of the fact that once I start smoking again, I will regret it. I should probably give myself just some time off, to improve my condition, shape etc. How long it will last? I honestly don't know. Till the first emotional breakdown I guess.

Terrible Secret

I read somewhere once that when you start suffering from eating disorder, you stop growing emotionally. You are stucked in emontional growth till you recover - only then you can make progress and continue self-development. Which basically means, for me, that emontionally - I am on the stage of 16-year old girl. That mostly explains my problems with any kind of relationships. I'm not ready for them, because emotionally - I've barely started becoming a woman. I may look all like a grown-up (or even sometimes sexy woman) while I am still a child inside. A real child. I've always wondered (past few years) what is wrong with me, why anyone matches me? Now I know. I often feel threatened like boys may want something from me and they shouldn't. Well, they should. They can. It's natural. I still consider people my age children, whereas I'm the exception. Things like sex? Totally awkward and distant subject for me. People my age do it. It's normal. Have you ever wondered if anorexics or bulimics are virgins? My guess is - they are. They haven't grown to be old enough to be able to have sex. They are, like, retarded. Disease took it all from them - not they are disabled physically only, but mentally as well. And now what? I can't chase my friends, my collagues. Maybe one or two years ago I could, now they are out of my reach. I can't be in a relationship, I can't demand love from anyone. It's not fair to do it, because I can't repay that feeling, because I am not able to, because I once thought throwing up will help me deal with some other problems and now... Now I just don't owe my life anymore. I fall behind everyone and everything that meant something for me and I am left with nothing. I am all by myself, totally alone. And it will remain that way.

2 days without smoking - 68,5 kg

This is my second day without smoking and i already reached 68,5 kg.

It's sad. I am in terrible shape, both physically and mentally. I haven't been in such deep shithole since... I don't even remember. I feel awful. I wanted to go to the party tomorrow but I can't since my stomach is huge and sticks out, looking gross and disgusting. Home alone, binging and purging, gaining weight and having no one to talk to.

Now I have to go some concert, I promised that one of my collagues...

Bilanse?

Yes, I am back from my PE lesson (I made it), I even went for a short walk after (like 30 or 40 minutes of calm walk) and I am so full of energy I could just dance or run! I was thinking about jogging but it's not dark outside yet, so I won't do that (I am too ashamed ;>).

What I've eaten so far:

- 250g of radish (50 cal)
- light cottage cheese (120 cal)
- rice cake with chicken loin (50 cal)
- a roll (100 cal)
- 2 crakers with cream cheese (140 cal)
- 300g of stired veggies (150 cal)
- 80g of boiled chicken (130 cal)
- 1 cereal bar (150 cal)

So far it's 890 calories.

Then I binged. I ate a looooooot, but some of it - I didn't have a chance to digest. I throwed up a little bit. I think I consumed around 2500 - 3000 calories. Maybe even 3500. It's sad but I know now that eating after 6 p.m. or eating any kind of white bread makes me binge later in the evening...

67,4 kg

Well, I knew this 66,3 yesterday was too good to be true, but today's result isn't so bad either.
I wish I could lose those 2,4 kg by the end of the week... It would be awsome.
31th of October is a really big day for me, firstly as it's Halloween and maybe someone I know will throw a party (like lasy year - it was huuuge!), secondly- I will see my very best friend first time in 3 months and I want to make a good impression, like I didn't gain 'Freshman 15' and I am doing well.
After this weekend and those parties I am soo tired, and it's totally fucked since in 3 hours I have a PE lesson and this is gonna be a tough one. Like really tough!

14.10.12 - MENU

Throughout the day I've consumed:

- 2 light cottage cheese (240 cal)
- 6 rice cakes (120 cal)
- 2 tomatoes (60 cal)
- 1 apple (70 cal)
- 40g of chicken loin (40 cal)
- 1 coffee with 0,5% fat milk (40 cal)
- 150g of fried veggies (100 cal)
- small piece of bread (80 cal)

Approximately it's 750 calories, but I will probably eat something else, so it will finally be 1000.