BRAEAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE, I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN, I DON'T WANT TO EXIST I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR, I WANT TO HIDE UNDER MY SHEET AND NEVER EVER GO OUT AGAIN. I AM SO ASHAMED AND SO TIRED AND I JUST WANNA BE INVISIBLE.

64,9 ;(

Unfortunately, I overate yesterday. Badly. Moreover, I didn't have any laxatives left to use so I had to go to sleep with this awfully brimful stomach. Even worse is the fact that I just woke up, it's 8.30 in the morning and I am already hungry. How am I supposed to go through the whole day? I made some very, very bad decisions yesterday and they will haunt me frow now on; first time in last few days when I actually GAIN any weight instead of losing it... Very, very sad beginning of the week. 1 of December is on Saturday and I was hoping to see 63 kg on a scale, now I have to put off my plans, which makes me very angry. And while being angry, I eat. Not good, again. Well, I will have to face my fears and start over. As always.

64,5

Well, yesterday I didn't really eat much, some cottage cheese with radishes, an apple, lettuce with dressing and some swettened juice along with some alcohol (but again, not too much, more like 1 or 2 drinks). When I was home alone I did some exercising. I may have dropped some water, since I stopped drinking soda so I am not that bloated any more... It's true what they say about fizzy drinks. Anyway, today I have some errands to run, so not sure how my eating will turn out. Will try my best. Tomorrow I have my PE lesson, though I am glad it will help me burn some calories, it will be reaaaaly hard. Have to go now, bisous!

65 kg

Yes, it looks like hit the mini-goal. Although I binged a little yesterday, took some laxatives then (not that much) and the scale says what is says. It's nice, it's really, really nice. I am starting to look like human being again. And I haven't looked in so many years. I am starting to feel normal among other people, but it is still far away from confidence. I always feel like lacking something, especially taking look at my friends. They are all so normal and naturally beautiful and, well, my body is just fat; what's beautiful in that? Anyway, I am glad to see that number on a scale; I will try do better today, not having a breakdown which would  implicate a binge.

65,4

Well, yesterday I ate mostly fruits and vegetables (grapefruit, apple, grean beans, ice lettuce with a dressing) and some "bites" of other things. I also went to the gym. This is nice, I mean dropping weight, but I have to figure out some more specific and healthier plan of eating, now it's quite accidental and I'm afraid I am more likely to do something wrong and quit. I will figure it out soon, hopefully.

Today I am going to a party, but with a car, so I won't drink. I have my PE earlier and it will be tough I can imagine. Hope those exercises will help to boost my metabolism a little and maybe, maybe... I wish I could see 64 on a scale before December...

65,8 :)

Yesterday I was learning the whole day sitting on my ass so I was very pleased when I saw this number ;) It's 39 days till New Year's Eve and I promised myself some time ago that I will weight no more than 60kg on this day. So six kilos, 5 weeks... It's not impossible, but we will see. If I manage to do that, I will break the curse - last time I weighed that much was on New Years Eve in the first class or secondary school, so like 6 years ago?
Well, today I will hit the gym, I cannot predic how it will be with eating, but last two days I stayed out of unhealthy food, I even turned down the offer of two cakes and a chocolate...But how long will it last. Busy day again, as always lately, so I am going to eat my delicious grapefruit before leaving for school. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

66,3 ;)

Not so bad. I mean, six o'clock in the morning, without any laxatives - I don't moan. On the other hand, I do not see how could I possibly achieve my next goal - that is 64 kilos. Everything is so delayed by this illness... I don't wanna give up, it's just I feel now like I'm a little bit stucked in this weight. Not a nice feeling. Although, I appreciate how far I've come ( I mean this few months since my final exams) and I CAN fit into my pants, so it isn't all bad, but still... I don't have this FAITH, you know what I mean?

66.2 - one week in bed :(

I haven't posted any notes lately because I was ill and there was simply nothing to write about. I've been lying in bed the whole week, simply eating and drinking and sleeping (don't know why but I've convinced myself that eating helps for my sore throat), so I've gained some weight. I used some laxatives yesterday though ( I also overate enormously) and went for a quite long walk (to the forest), so that's why today's weight is a little normalized. Anyway, I feel like crap. I couldn't take my PE lesson last week as well as this one. I am overwhelmed with work, I have Midterm and tests and sooo much to do, and I simply couldn't do anything last week as I had a high temperature and was unable to work intelectually. Or otherwise. This is the explanation, the actual note will arrive later.

Unfortunate 66,6

This weekend didn't go as I expected, some unpredictable events came up and here I am- 1,5kg heavier than 2 days ago. But you cannot give up. I remember about my goal, it's 64kg and although this week may be pretty tough as well, I will try as hard as I can, so when my Midterm on  November 20th comes, I will be 64 finally. I will do that. I will stay calm and do what I have to. Nothing can stand on my way.

66,3 - feeling blue

I knew that was coming. I've decided yesterday that I will eat more so I my stomach has to challenge some more digesting and I knew today I will be a lot heavier, but still - it's sad. I will get back on a track though and I am not taking eyes of my 64 kg goal. I know I can do that. After last week I know I am able to do anything, I just have to be devoted to this. And I will start drinking apple vinegar.
I also need to modify my day routine and my customs. Like I constantly postpone everything I have to do and then I have no time for it and I'm stressed, moreover I don't have time to focus on anything BUT this homework at the same time because it's on my mind all the time (subconsciously). It sucks. It has to change. I want to change it. I am going to have breakfast with my parents (today a moderate diet, but I would like to maintain under 1000 cal) and then WORK WORK WORK.

65,2

Hm, this is nice. But I've started to wondering, isn't it just water? Because it's too easy and to fast, to pretty you can say to be true. Anyway, I ate some bread roll today and I will generally eat more because I don't want my metabolism to slow down quickly. I want to do some cycling as well, my ass and my hips and my tighs are soooo huge. Twice as big as my breast now. Bla bla bla, I want to lose weight. I want to weigh 64 kg by Thursday. YEP. Last time I weighed 65 kg in the first class of what, secondary school? Quite exciting so I'm not gonna give up.

65,8 -> :)

Yes, yes, yes.
I guess that indicates the scale is not broken.
Yesterday when I went to this party, I drank one small bear (400ml) and it was Sommersby, I guess smaller bottle has around 240 cal, so I drank like 200. I also ate a few peanuts, pumpkin seeds and raisins, but not a lot of them. When I came home I also ate some chicken loin (without bread or anything) so another 100 calories or something. I do not know how many calories exactly I consumed yesterday but I like what I'm seeing on a scale today. this 65 on the beginning... Priceless.

Also, I am happy because:

On Monday I I promised to "get down to my diet and workout and to get to 66kg at the and of the week." It's Friday and I weigh just below this number, so tomorrow or maybe even today (if I am lucky) I will treat myself with delightful soiree. Do you know when was the last time that I created a goal and actually achieve it? I don't.

66,3

I promised myself that when I hit 66kg sharp I would treat myself with a delightful soiree; magazines, candles and aromatic olis included. I hope I manage to do it (both losing 0,3kg and organizing the evening) till the end of a weekend.
I was rather surprised when today in the morning my scale showed this 66,3, I've even suspected it to be broken, but as I got home from school I weighted myslef again ( I only ate one apple, mini cupcake and a piece of bread along with some diet coke, coffee today) and it also shows 66,3. Well, maybe it means that scale really IS broken. I hope not, because I fit (with a huge difficulty and it hurt all day, but still, I buttoned them) into those legendary grey jeans.
Now I drink another huge coffee and I am going to the party twith my friend, but unfortunately I am the one who is driving. Although, maybe sum in sum it will turn out good for me that I cannot drink. Alcohol equals calories, right? So, beautiful and in-control party then!

66,9

Today I slept only for an hour as I was watching the elections. I was up the whole night, so I am just really tired. I met really nice guy and I would like us to be at least friends, he is so funny and kind... And I also like his face. Very much.
I should do some cycling but I am too exhausted, I think I will just go to bed for a few hours and then-study a little. It's high time. Tomorrow I am going to the gym and on Friday I have both my PE lesson and a friend's party, so I may need some rest now and I should have it while I can. Taugh week or even thaugh weeks ahead of me, I should say.
I remeber about my goal, it is still within my reach and I will try.

After Midnight

I've been very good all day,
for breakfast I ate cottage cheese with radish and rice cakes (240 cal)
for lunch I had green beans with 2 boiled eggs and 2 tomatoes (340 cal)
for dinner I had musli with yoghurt (220 cal)
after dinner I ate some cottage cheese with tomatoe and 3 rice cakes + apple (around 260 cal I guess).

I also went for a quite fast walk and drink only 0,5l of diet coke. I didn't binge, I didn't eat white bread, I didn't eat sweets. I weigh 68,8 kg now. Or 68,7 it really doesn't matter. And how not to binge if you try so hard all day and in the evening you weigh much more than you are supposed to, like one kilogram more than you supposed to?

Anyway, I summed up the calories - 1060. Even if it's not all proper, it couldn't have been more than 1300 (if I count every calorie I can think of) and I went for an hour walk, so it must knock off some 100 calories... So the balance is 1200 I guess? Never mind. Today morning I said I am taking the challenge. I would be a failure if I quitted just after 1 day. Although I feel like a failure.

67,8 after holidays

Yes, Saturday's evening and night are a blur, unfortunately yesterday's evening- also not that pleasing, but it is not SO bad after all. New week, here I come with new Power and Hope, convinced that I WILL do sometning during those upcoming days.
Firstly, I want to stop binging. I'm aware of the fact it is impossible to deal with it "just like that" but I want to draw myself a line - and this week, line means two times. I CANNOT BINGE MORE THAN TWICE THIS WEEK! I made a promise like this one time and it worked - for about a month, while I was having my school leaving exams. Now I want to go back to improving this annoying habit. That's all it is, a habit.
Secondly - I promise to get down to my diet and workout and to get to 66kg at the and of the week. It's not that much, it's not even 2kg and I know I can do that, I just have to be focused and determined. So MY GOAL IS TO WEIGH 66 KG by 12th OF NOVEMBER. It's simple goal and I will follow my path to achieve it. Small steps, they say. Well, it is high time we tried their advices.

67,7

Yesterday after the last note I ate some tuna salad along with some bread, I also ate about 2 oe 3 spoons of sauerkraut-and-meat stew, then I went to see my friends, I drank a 1l of cola light and I was home around midnight, and although I was a bit hungry, I didn't eat, I just went to bed and fall asleep (it was like 00.30 and this kind of behaviour doesn't occure in my daily routine).

Anyway, today in the morning (9.00 a.m.) I weighed 67,7kg.
It's 11 a.m. now and so far I have drunk a tea with skimmed milk (40cal), 2 cups of broth (30cal) and 2 tiny pieces of bread (30-40cal). Its just above 100 calories now, but I will probably go eat some healthy breakfast soon. It will be around 300 calories, because I lack some low caloric substitutes.
Then maybe a walk or something?

68,4

It's 6 o'clock in the evening and throughout the day I ate only 50g of white bread (lack of dark one), 1 apple and 1 big coffee with skimmed milk. Althuogh, now I am a little bit hungry so I will go to the kitchen and fix myself something quite healthy to eat, but I just wanted to post my observation that after a day of binging you ARE really bloated and if you not give up, and just try to slow down a little bit, you will also quickly see some decline on scale. Of course it would be even better if you go for a walk or exercise a little, but I was to tired for that. However, it wasn't all fat on the scale today's morning. My mom made a tuna salad, so probably it will be my choice when it comes to dinner, I think I have to provide my body some proteins after awful few days of carbs and fats.

69,2 - FAT BITCH

I hate holidays. I HATE THEM. All weekend sitting on my ass and eating, eating, eating... awful. Tomorrow I have a party. And I look like a fat cow. LAZY, STUPID, FAT BITCH! When you look like shit, you feel like shit. No more alcohol, no more sweets, no more bread, no more caloric shit. BIG, FAT, LOSER. I wanna be pretty. I just wanna be pretty, I want to be the girl boys actually look at. I don't want to wonder if he didn't want me because I'm fat. I want to feel confident. DISCIPLINE!!! DISCIPLINE IS THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE IT!!! I don't want to be whale again, I need to be taugh on myself. Anyone will try to convince you to let go, to have a little pleasure... Don't believe them. And don't try to persuade yourself you deserve a piece of pie. You deserve better, you deserve a slender body and new jeans along with high heels. Last few days I've been allowing myself to have a piece of cake (like others), to taste some fresh bread, to eat some dumplings... And you have no idea how much I regret it now, when I stepped on a scale and it showed I've gained what, 6 pounds? I've fought so hard to lose them... Then, during a few days, I turned my effort into dust. Taking a diet-break is so MISLEADING!!! You cannot afford it! DISCIPLINE IS WHAT YOU LIVE BY TO ACHIEVE WHAT YOU WANT!