65,3

Yesterday I had a party, so I didn't eat practically all day in order to be able to fit into nice dress in the evening. I ate like 4 pieces of roll and some lettuce with tomatoes and sauce along with 3 or 4 mugs of coffee with 1,5% milk

At the party I drank white white, I think 2/3 of the bottle. And I didn't do anything embarassing! I smoked a lot, but who didn't; I came home around 4 o'clock and I decided to go for a jogg. Not very long, not very challenging, but still a run. I did some workout before going to sleep!

I know that today's number on a scale is probably just an effect of dehydration, but still - it gives me motivation and faith in myself, so I am pretending that I actually do weigh 65,3kg ;)
And going for a breakfast, omnomnom.

66,7

It looks like I'm stucked again. Yesterday I was at work all day and when I got home I just went straight to bed. The day before- the same thing. I didn't have time to run or walk or train or anything and still - I am just exhausted. I have to do some boring work for my internship and I have to clean my room and I have a party later, I have to go buy some alcohol, I was supposed to meet up with my friend... And what I'm actually  doing is sitting in my bed, watching The L Word. Like pretending the life without the man is what I am longing, no kidding. I think I am a bit lost again. Wonder if I ever be slim and able to fit in any pretty dress or skinny jeans or short skirt or revealing top and be confident.

66,9

I am fat, yesterday I binged and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I have no control over my weight, I have no control over my body, I have no control over my life. And definitely, I have no money. Last few days - I have spent the terryfying amount of money on food. Now the birthdays of my friends are coming up and I don't even have money to buy them presents. Moreover, I borrowed them money and I guess they are not willing to pay me back. So called friends. And when it comes to shopping or whatever - also, I'm the one to buy and pay for everything. And they are active only when it is about them crushing the party they weren't invited to with me (so I'm the one to blame if the host gets angry). And I'm so fucking angry and pissed because it turned out I can't study the second major, because my parents can't afford it :) And for my best friend, it's like - a pair of shoes every month; maybe not even that ;) Literally, monthly cost of my studies is equivalent to 4, average-priced Zara dresses (or 8 plain shirts). And what, what can I do? Even if I find a job, then I wouldn't be able to study because I won't have time. It is so, so disheartening.

66,8

Yesterday was such a fail... I binged twice, don't know why. The first time - I was dissapointed, I ate because of boredom and sadness, but the second time - I don't know why, I just couldn't stop myself. I didn't THINK, it was like the old times, when I just couldn't think while doing it, like this animal instinct, nothing else matters... I was thinking about doing some cleanse today, but I'm not sure anymore. I feel like such a failure, such a loser, I've lost a faith in myself. Yesterday, despite of the fact that I binged (the first time) I still felt good, I felt quite wonderful I would say. And I went to the party, and didn't drink, ate some watermelon and was really proud of myself, but then I came home and...  After that, I've lost all respect for myself. I feel so worthless, I wish I weren't living. And there is no one beside me.

67,1

Yep, hey ho! One day on a Dukan diet: -0,5kg. That IS motivating. And it is almost achieving my first goal. On the breakfast I ate smoked salmon (130g) and I want to prepare myself a chicken breast. I have to go to my faculty to return books to the library. I should look for a job. I don't want to waste this summer like I did with the other one. And I want to weight less so I can, I don't know, fit into my jeans at least? Yesterday my friend tried to pick me up, but I wouldn't let him. It would have been so embarassing if something happend to him or he just couldn't do it because I'm to heavy... I want to spare myself this kind of embarassement. Let's fight for another kilogram!

Boring

I was at the barbecue today, for like 4 hours and I didn't drink, I just ate a piece of grilled chicken breast and drank a coffee with milk. Chewed a lot of gum; it was supposed to be sugarfree, but you really cannot be sure. I smoked a lot of cigarettes though, just to not be bored - it was so stupid! I don't even like smoking anymore! And it is so fucking expensive, I am angry with myself for doing it. I didn't jogg when I came back home, because I was tired, even though I didn't do anything today. But I stepped on the scale and it said 67,5 - which is 100g less than in the morning, haha. Ooooh, this chicken today was soo good. And salmon too. I could eat them like whole day. Everyday. And the omlettes. But these are better with some vegetables. Well, let's don't lie to ourselves. I love any kind of food.

Fucking Beautiful

I've eaten like 250g of smoked salmon so far and I think I'm doing pretty good.
My friend really annoyed me today. Our collague invated us for a barbecue and he invited like 3 other people himself, without even asking her permission. I am so fucking pissed at him. Of course we will all be late and I'm the one who is fucked up and who will have to explain everything. I am so angry.
And I've been watching some movies today and everyone is so fucking beautiful there... So delicate, so beautiful, so thin...soft... and everyone of those characters is loved by somebody. You don't see ugly people in love in the movies. Or maybe it's on the basis of the assumption that love makes everyone beautiful. But still, you don't see people being ugly before they find their love. They are that beautiful all the time, all the way... Like love only happens to beautiful people. Then, I'm pretty fucked.

67,6

Well, I finished my exam session. I still have one exam in September though, because I was late on my exam... I don't know how did it happen. And I've studied hard for this one, like 4 days and all night, I didn't even sleep... I took a one-hour nap that night, and that's all. And I didn't even have a Chance to write this exam. So fucking lame. So I have to be here, in the city in the middle of September to take this test. Well, I don't want to give up with my journey to slenderness for this summer. I am going to Germany for a weekend at the beginning of July. Just after my birthday. I want to look good then. How much can I lose in 2,5 weeks if I really try? 3-4 kilos? 5? Maybe if I jogg every day and I do exercise... Actually, anything below 65kg would be nice... I have to push, today I am trying to do the protein day (Dukan diet). We will see how it goes.

67,9

Well, something went wrong yesterday, I guess, but there is no tragic. Maybe tonight I will take some laxatives or I will go for a jogg, I don't know yet. Today I am sad. Long way to go to get the body for the swimsuit. I would love to go for a holidays somewhere, like to the Croatia or something, but I don't have anyone to go with, I feel so pathetic. And sad. I thought I had friends, but it turns out that I don't even have anybody to go for the vacation with. Like a second grade all over again. If I could go with him and our friends, and had just one last chance with him, one another chance, like that one I ruined two years ago... When we went for the vacation together, the only time. And on the other hand, it may be just that he's not into me, because I don't look good. I'm not that pretty and obviously not that hot. I don't know, I just feel like even if I lose 3 or 4 or even 6 kg, I will still be fat and worthless, and nobody could be attracted to me.

67,8

Yep, quite nice. Yesterday I went to the party and got a little bit stoned (like badly, not in a nice, smooth way) but I didn't eat that much. Although, it was totally humiliating. But at least I got stoned, not drunk. When you are stoned you don't stink. It wasn't a pure weed, that's why I got sick. Blah. I should be studying, I have a very difficult exam on Wednesday and I haven't even started learning. My friend has her birthday today and she wants us to go for a beer somewhere and I am so exhausted. Besides, I don't want to drink. It's like, I drink everyday. Friday - I went for a beer with my mate, yesterday I drank some wine, and today beer again? It's so many empty calories, and I don't even like alcohol. God, I should be jogging instead of waisting time on friends-gatherings. I hope I will achieve my first goal (67kg) in a few days and will set another one. I felt so bad yesterday, I think I've never felt so bad after smoking in my whole life, I was like dying... Thank God for my friends who took care of me, if they haven't been there, I don't know what would have happened to me...

68.3

Well, it's gettinh a little bit better. I've set my eyes on 67kg goal. The second one will be 64kg, hopefully. I'm on the right track though. I want to lose weight, I want to have arms and collarbones, and legs which look good in high heels. I want to be able to wear a dress and not look funny or disgusting, so nobody will wonder if I know how bad I look and why did I wear it. No. I want to look fine. Or better than fine. I want to look like a woman or a girl, a resptected human being. And I want to look in a way that guys will pay attention to me, look at me, like me... And I could like myself :) I just want to be wanted. And loved. And nobody will love me when I'm fat. But when I'm strong and beatiful, somebody might. Or I am tiny and fragile - maybe then somebody would like to take care of me :) Or at least I could pretend that I am normal and I have those chances and I can hope for something good to happen and I can at least try :)

SWEAT!

I just came back from jogging. It wasn't impressive, but
I manager and that's most important :D I run approximately 30-35 minutes and I walked for 20. Overall, today was a good day; except the history exam obviously. I didn't binge, I didn't purge, I didn't eat after 6 p.m. On a dinner I enthusiastically consumed hard-boiled egg, low- fat fromage frais and a soya coctail. I think it was between 350 and 400 calories and before that I ate properly, don't have to be ashamed of it. Although, I smoke too much. Anyway, I survived 3 days without binging, yeay! Exams, stress and me telling that the time is too precious during the session to waste it on binging and purging. And this ''me'' is probably right. If only I could maintain this position during the whole academic year...

68.8

Lately, I sleep like 3 to 4 hours per day and I drink a lot of coffee, diet coke and energy drinks. Brrrrr, sometimes I am even shaking. First exam I passed - 3,5 (2 means failure, 3-you pass, 5-the highest grade). Yesterday I had another one and today I also have one. It shall be a disaster, it's the U.S. History and I know practically nothing because I started revising (not revising to be honest, but reading for the first time). And I'm exhausted. Well, I try to eat well at least and go for a walk sometimes. I was dreaming that at the end of the exam session I will be so tired and weak that I eventually become thin - ha ha ha, not with all that energy drinks, that's for sure.

69.4

Exams, exams and @.
Tomorrow I will have to go to work.
Yesterday I didn't binge, I didn't purge.
I drank a beer. I ate a muffin. I went for a walk.
I smoked a lot. I didn't cry.
I have to study now.
I don't wanna binge today ;)

RUN

Today I was revising the whole day, eating shit, and in the evening, when I came home - I binged. And I purged. And then I ate. I was like chocolate, ice-cream, chicken, lettuce, potatos, everything. Of course you won't manage to return all of it. So my stomach was like a huge sticking out ball and I was lying on my bed, trying to learn (exam in 8 hours from now), posting some stupid shit on Facebook. And of course he didn't "like it". No one (of those important) did. So I was lying there, refreshing fucking page every five minutes, then I just covered my head with the pillow and stayed silent for a half an hour.

And then I was like:

FUCK IT.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, THAT'S FINE.

FUCK YOU.

I WON'T BE MISERABLE AND SAD AND WASTING MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS. I WON'T BE THIS UNHAPPY, CRYING  GIRL, ALWAYS DOWN AND JOYLESS.

FUCK YOU.

I AM GOING TO FUCKIN RUN.

And I went for a run. Or jogg, if you prefer to call it that way. With my huge, bunchy, hurting belly. And you know what? I MANAGED. I walked for 3 minutes maybe and I stretched once during 25 or 30 minutes or something. And you know what? NO ONE WILL TELL ME I CAN'T.

I FUCKING CAN.

It doesn't matter how much I weigh or how much did I eat. It depends on my DETERMINATION.
I will be strong, I will be joyful and I will be PROUD. And I will do everything I want to. And if then nobody doesn't like me - that's fine. But how can other people like me if I do not like myself? If I'm not satisfied with myself? If I'm not proud of myself? And I fucking can, because I am able to do it. I am able to fucking ACHIEVE MY GOALS (not defined yet, but that's not the point my dears.)
I CAN.



I CAN.
I CAN.
I CAN.


AND NO ONE WILL TELL ME I FUCKIN' CAN'T.

69,1 again

I don't know. I just don't know what is happening. It's like - I'm stucked. I can eat 1000 calories, I can march for 2 hours - nothing happens. My question is: what the fuck? Like seriously. I'm trying. Well, and I am constantly hungry. Last week I took my kick-boxing class twice (pretty exhausting shit) and I was in my aerobic class once. And guess what? Number on my scale didn't drop AT ALL. I'm pretty fucking tired with all of this. I am unable to set my priorities lately and it is a bad thing. And I am fucking angry with all my life and with all the people, myself included. Fuuuuuck, at least I could be thin, if my life is such a mess already.