62,8

Today 62,8; I didn't binge yesterday. Instead of that, I visited Museum of Modern Art. And today I am going to my dad's, because there is premiere in the theatre he works at and I am quite curious about it. Although, I am tired and right now I wish I could just go to bed and wake up at noon and do stuff I am supposed to do, like writing my essay for American Literature course. Well, I chose what I chose. I have to go pack now and then I will spend fabulous 5 hours on the bus, then in theatre, then we will have to stay a bit, then we will go home for sleep and tomorrow morning another 4 hours on train, then I will have to refresh myself and do something about my hair etc. etc., go feed my friend's cat and hit the party... It won't be fun at all. I don't know what I was thinking. I just hope that today I won't eat that much and I can wear something at least quite nice tomorrow...

63,5

Well, I just wanted to say that my plans for losing weight during the Christmas break failed... as always. Pretty were times when I weighed 61,6kg; they look so distant now. I should have been around 57 now if I have followed my plan... But I didn't, so another New Year's Eve without a beautiful dress on me; just another sad outfit. Well, it fits the sad person, doesn't?
I met a guy 2 month ago, he seems to be into me. But frankly - I don't care. I mean, it's always nice to have someone to adore you and to be interested in what is happening to you, but... I know it's not that. I might go for it anyway, just out of boredom and to not feel lonely. Rather sad truth.
I also wanna hit the gym - I've ordered a training bag and after New Year I want to buy a membership card and well, start going there. Bright plan, isn't it?

61,6

61,6 kg. Stucked. Angry. Helpless.

62 kg

Yesterday I was at the party so practically I haven't eaten anything during the day. Later while drinking wine (4 glasses maybe, but these were rather small glasses) I ate two milky ways and one cake. Anyway, as I woke up, I stepped on a scale and it showed 62 exactly :) Veeeeery nice number. For a breakfast I ate a light cottage cheese and now I am going to make myself a coffee; later I may wanna go for a walk and then I will be reading "Scarlet Letter" all day :)

63,1

Well, I have to confess that I had a little binge yesterday, practically in the middle of the night. I was so hungry that my stomach was literally aching and when I started eating... You know how the pattern follows. I guess I have to eat more throughout the day in order to avoid binging in the night. And definitely, I have to go to bed earlier and never ever go down to the kitchen when I wake up in the middle of the night. I slept only 2-3 hours today and I'm extremely tired but I have my French classes in an hour, so I guess I have to go now.

So far I drank one coffee with 1,5% fat milk, 3 dried plums and a half of a small apple.
Enjoy your day :(

63 kg

I'm back!
I haven't posted anything in a while because nothing was happening with my weight; I have been weighing around 63 kilograms since my last post.
But today I stepped on a scale and I saw the exact number: 63 kg sharp. So I've decided: this is a good day. I will try again. Although I'm not totally unhappy about this weight, I'd like it to be lower. Especially since I've bought these very nice jeans in size 38 (European  numeration) which I can hardly zip. And when I do, I look like a sausage and I do not want it to be that way. I want to be considered pretty and hot, not just acceptable. I want to have someone interested in me. Well, that means that I have to try harder and have a good-looking body :)

I'm also trying to constrain my b/p; I've managed to minimalize it to once-a-day event and yesterday I didn't do it at all! Hope today I will also hold back :) keep your fingers crossed and have a nice day!

62,6

I didn't want to post anything sad, so I haven't posted anything lately. To be honest, I also didn't have much time. But as you can see, I made some progress :) It's not that much and I know I have a long way to go, but I can recall myself from last year, when I was 14 kilograms heavier... I know now that results may not be noticable after one or two days, but if you are strong and stuborn, they will come eventually, I guess. I am happy that I haven't give up one year ago, because even if I'm not at the destination, I am happier and better than I have been. Soon I want to post my before/now photos, maybe I will do it when I reach 60kg.

62,8

Yesterday I was at the party; I came there with a bottle of Cola Light and that was the only thing that I drank :) I didn't touch the alcohol and still I had a great time - I went with my best friend and she couldn't drink either cause she was driving, but we were choosing the music and dancing all the time. It was great, I can't recall the last time I was having such a thrill at the party. No hangover, no headache, not being embarrassed by things that I said :D And really, we danced and laughed and we stayed almost 4 hours! :)

However, I made myself a dinner at 4 o'clock in the morning, but it wasn't much - a piece of bread with a slice of cheese and a few noodles. I know that I shouldn't but my tummy was practically aching out of hunger and I didn't binge, just ate a small meal in the middle of the night ;)

62,9

I just came back from my weekend at the lake (the weather was awful, it was cold and raining all the time and we had to stay in our room watching TV), but I was nicely surprised when I stepped on the scale today and saw the number: 62.9 :)  I don't remember exactly, but I think I weighed that "little" in the first grade of the middle school. I tried to eat less and healthier during this weekend, so I am really happy that it paid off. I still cannot fit into my jeans that I bought 2 years ago, though :(
But I will try. I am lighter, I can do more exercises, I will try to lose more kilograms!

63,9

:)

This is a very nice number. Yesterday I went for a walk (again, about 40 minutes, quite fast speed), but the sad truth is, I also binged yesterday :( And of course, I tried to get rid of everything I consumed. And then I didn't ate (since 3 or 4 p.m.), I only drank coffee and diet coke and went to bed about 1 a.m. So it's  not a healthy weight loss and I don't have anything to be proud of, but at the same time I can't help enjoying the number with 63 at the beginning.

Today I will try to eat healthier, I hope it won't jeopardize my weight loss.

64,3

Yesterday I binged, I ate so many sweets... I'm afraid this weight lose of 0,6kg is just temporary. But I also went for a walk for about 40 minutes (fast march).

Well, maybe I should be weighing myself every two days, not every day anyway.
Today, as the number on a scale is so pretty, I will do everything to maintain diet :)

I also have to study hard because I have to retake exam in a week and the amount of obligatory material is, well, biiiig. However, I will try to find some time to do exercise or go for a walk or do some other physical activity. Every kilogram is important!

64,9 :(

No, this is NOT fair. It's actually so depressing. I mean, I really tried yesterday, I did everything I could and still - the number on a scale didn't change A BIT!

I don't know what else can I do, really. I know that yesterday I wrote that I am happy with my weight and I meant it, but it's different when you are trying hard and there are no results...
God, I ate about 800 calories yesterday! What else do I have to do to lose one fucking pound?! Is this the weigh plateau everyone is talking about? I don't fucking care, it's not the time for it, I'm not even half way through with losing weight!

I really don't know what I am going to do.

Day 1 - Calorie Balance

DAY 1 - CALORIE BALANCE

 

Breakfast:

 

light cottage cheese with radish and 2 rice cakes - 200cal

 

 

Lunch:

 

light youghurt with musli - 270cal

 

 

Snack:

 

sunbites and cereal bar - 240cal

 

 

Dinner:

 

instant soup and a piece of bread - 150cal

 

 

 

TOTAL: 860 calories

 

 

 

 



First Healthy Breakfast In A Weeks!

Yep, as I wrote in a previous post, in the morning my scale showed 64,9 kg.

I want to weigh 60kg in two weeks.


My Breakfast Today:

-230g of fresh radish
-150g of light cottage cheese
-2 rice cakes

40cal + 120cal + 40cal = 200 cal

64,9

I've been on a vacation so I didn't really control my weight and also had problem with counting calories etc. But now I'm back and I will be trying again :) Though I must admit that I am not all unhappy about my weight, the way I look and stuff like that; those 65 kilograms are not that bad, I don't feel disgusting and don't have a big problem with looking in the mirror anymore. Those holidays gave me a great deal of confidence, probably because I've been with people who like me and do not criticize me all the time :)

Anyway, my best friend will be back from holidays in 2 weeks and I really want to look better by then :)

66,1

I know, I've gained weight again. But I won't let myself go! I've got my @, then I've also had a few bad days... But I'm not gonna give up. 66kg is not the weight I should cry and cut myself about. Instead of that, today I woke up, I drank my coffee with 1,5% milk (one cup) and I did some cycling (burned 220 calories); now I drank a glass of Powerade 0% and I am thinking about a breakfast. Then I am going to work and I don't won't eat everything in the reach of my hands, then I will go home and go for a jogg. Yes! And tomorrow I'm gonna do it again. And again. And again. In the morning I am going to cycling and in the evening I'm going to run. And I'm gonna eat healthy. And I'm not gonna give up. No fucking ever.

Bed

I haven't posted in a while because I've been sick and staying in bed and I've gained almost 2kg but I didn't want to write about it, as I find it discouraging to the others! However, today I'm almost perfectly fine and I have to run some errands but I promise to get a grip on myself and train and stick with a diet and as soon as I see any improvment I will write about it- so keep strong while I will be fighting to meet our joint expectations! See you very soon!

64,4

I have been in Germany for two days and I came back with a tons of gummys. Harribo Cherries, the best gummys ever. I walked a lot for those two days and didn't eat a lot, so I weigh a little less. I would have weighed even less, but yesterday when I came home I ate a looooot of weird stuff, I practically binged (but I managed almost 6 days without it) and I purged, but of course not all of it. But still, I am quite satisfied with my weight this morning. In the evening I am going to the theatre where this amazing, beautiful girl will be... I am fascinated with her. I don't know the last time  I met someone this compelling... Of course it doesn't mean anything, I mean for real, but still... All the guys that I have met and that I've been fancing for last few years... they cannot even be compared to her. She has this... glowing radiance. So beautiful! Brunette with blue eyes, can you imagine? Every guy would fall for it.

65,9

Yep, I am twenty years old now. Nothing really changed, although it was a sad birthday, because none of the people who I counted on has called. My best friend, with whom I had like 10-year-long friendship/relationship didn't even bother to text me, and on my birthday he would always call. He was the one to throw me a 18th birthday party, he was the one to buy me the most beautiful birthday present on the world, he was the one to come to me on my birthday when I was alone... And yesterday I was so, so alone, and he didn't even send me a message via Facebook, while I did see him online. It was like the saddest day in many, many days, months or even a years. If he doesn't care enough to wish me happy birtday, then what have we left?

66,3 and @

Yeah, I have a "visitor". Great, considering that today I am supposed to go to the theatre and was about to wear a fair dress. And now I have to go to work, I've been working quite hard this week cause I am going away for the next one and had to "make up" those hours. Yeah, fucking fucking job. I am so tired. Yesterday I went for a walk, like the first time in a week or so. And now I'm bloated and in a crappy mood. And have to work for the next 5 hours, it will be a disaster. I wanted to go to this performance with my new friend, but he stood me up, so I got no one left to invite and have to go alone, this is so sad. And he didn't even bother to call me. Shiiiiiiiiit. I hate my life. I want to be treated with some kind of respect. Do I have to be skinny to earn it?

65,8

Yesterday I didn't eat almost the whole day and then I binged... :( I ate practically everything that was in the fridge - chicken breast with some rice, a small bowl of salad, my mom's birthday cake (2 big pieces), my grandma's chocolate cake, sausages, 2 huge rolls, and the whole plate of

dumplings. My stomach really hurt, so I did what a normal person would do after consuming this amount of food... Fuckin' fat fucker. And few days ago I had an idea about making impression on my ex-male-friends. Maybe  I will  improve someday.

 

 

65,3

Yesterday I had a party, so I didn't eat practically all day in order to be able to fit into nice dress in the evening. I ate like 4 pieces of roll and some lettuce with tomatoes and sauce along with 3 or 4 mugs of coffee with 1,5% milk

At the party I drank white white, I think 2/3 of the bottle. And I didn't do anything embarassing! I smoked a lot, but who didn't; I came home around 4 o'clock and I decided to go for a jogg. Not very long, not very challenging, but still a run. I did some workout before going to sleep!

I know that today's number on a scale is probably just an effect of dehydration, but still - it gives me motivation and faith in myself, so I am pretending that I actually do weigh 65,3kg ;)
And going for a breakfast, omnomnom.

66,7

It looks like I'm stucked again. Yesterday I was at work all day and when I got home I just went straight to bed. The day before- the same thing. I didn't have time to run or walk or train or anything and still - I am just exhausted. I have to do some boring work for my internship and I have to clean my room and I have a party later, I have to go buy some alcohol, I was supposed to meet up with my friend... And what I'm actually  doing is sitting in my bed, watching The L Word. Like pretending the life without the man is what I am longing, no kidding. I think I am a bit lost again. Wonder if I ever be slim and able to fit in any pretty dress or skinny jeans or short skirt or revealing top and be confident.

66,9

I am fat, yesterday I binged and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I have no control over my weight, I have no control over my body, I have no control over my life. And definitely, I have no money. Last few days - I have spent the terryfying amount of money on food. Now the birthdays of my friends are coming up and I don't even have money to buy them presents. Moreover, I borrowed them money and I guess they are not willing to pay me back. So called friends. And when it comes to shopping or whatever - also, I'm the one to buy and pay for everything. And they are active only when it is about them crushing the party they weren't invited to with me (so I'm the one to blame if the host gets angry). And I'm so fucking angry and pissed because it turned out I can't study the second major, because my parents can't afford it :) And for my best friend, it's like - a pair of shoes every month; maybe not even that ;) Literally, monthly cost of my studies is equivalent to 4, average-priced Zara dresses (or 8 plain shirts). And what, what can I do? Even if I find a job, then I wouldn't be able to study because I won't have time. It is so, so disheartening.

66,8

Yesterday was such a fail... I binged twice, don't know why. The first time - I was dissapointed, I ate because of boredom and sadness, but the second time - I don't know why, I just couldn't stop myself. I didn't THINK, it was like the old times, when I just couldn't think while doing it, like this animal instinct, nothing else matters... I was thinking about doing some cleanse today, but I'm not sure anymore. I feel like such a failure, such a loser, I've lost a faith in myself. Yesterday, despite of the fact that I binged (the first time) I still felt good, I felt quite wonderful I would say. And I went to the party, and didn't drink, ate some watermelon and was really proud of myself, but then I came home and...  After that, I've lost all respect for myself. I feel so worthless, I wish I weren't living. And there is no one beside me.

67,1

Yep, hey ho! One day on a Dukan diet: -0,5kg. That IS motivating. And it is almost achieving my first goal. On the breakfast I ate smoked salmon (130g) and I want to prepare myself a chicken breast. I have to go to my faculty to return books to the library. I should look for a job. I don't want to waste this summer like I did with the other one. And I want to weight less so I can, I don't know, fit into my jeans at least? Yesterday my friend tried to pick me up, but I wouldn't let him. It would have been so embarassing if something happend to him or he just couldn't do it because I'm to heavy... I want to spare myself this kind of embarassement. Let's fight for another kilogram!

Boring

I was at the barbecue today, for like 4 hours and I didn't drink, I just ate a piece of grilled chicken breast and drank a coffee with milk. Chewed a lot of gum; it was supposed to be sugarfree, but you really cannot be sure. I smoked a lot of cigarettes though, just to not be bored - it was so stupid! I don't even like smoking anymore! And it is so fucking expensive, I am angry with myself for doing it. I didn't jogg when I came back home, because I was tired, even though I didn't do anything today. But I stepped on the scale and it said 67,5 - which is 100g less than in the morning, haha. Ooooh, this chicken today was soo good. And salmon too. I could eat them like whole day. Everyday. And the omlettes. But these are better with some vegetables. Well, let's don't lie to ourselves. I love any kind of food.

Fucking Beautiful

I've eaten like 250g of smoked salmon so far and I think I'm doing pretty good.
My friend really annoyed me today. Our collague invated us for a barbecue and he invited like 3 other people himself, without even asking her permission. I am so fucking pissed at him. Of course we will all be late and I'm the one who is fucked up and who will have to explain everything. I am so angry.
And I've been watching some movies today and everyone is so fucking beautiful there... So delicate, so beautiful, so thin...soft... and everyone of those characters is loved by somebody. You don't see ugly people in love in the movies. Or maybe it's on the basis of the assumption that love makes everyone beautiful. But still, you don't see people being ugly before they find their love. They are that beautiful all the time, all the way... Like love only happens to beautiful people. Then, I'm pretty fucked.

67,6

Well, I finished my exam session. I still have one exam in September though, because I was late on my exam... I don't know how did it happen. And I've studied hard for this one, like 4 days and all night, I didn't even sleep... I took a one-hour nap that night, and that's all. And I didn't even have a Chance to write this exam. So fucking lame. So I have to be here, in the city in the middle of September to take this test. Well, I don't want to give up with my journey to slenderness for this summer. I am going to Germany for a weekend at the beginning of July. Just after my birthday. I want to look good then. How much can I lose in 2,5 weeks if I really try? 3-4 kilos? 5? Maybe if I jogg every day and I do exercise... Actually, anything below 65kg would be nice... I have to push, today I am trying to do the protein day (Dukan diet). We will see how it goes.

67,9

Well, something went wrong yesterday, I guess, but there is no tragic. Maybe tonight I will take some laxatives or I will go for a jogg, I don't know yet. Today I am sad. Long way to go to get the body for the swimsuit. I would love to go for a holidays somewhere, like to the Croatia or something, but I don't have anyone to go with, I feel so pathetic. And sad. I thought I had friends, but it turns out that I don't even have anybody to go for the vacation with. Like a second grade all over again. If I could go with him and our friends, and had just one last chance with him, one another chance, like that one I ruined two years ago... When we went for the vacation together, the only time. And on the other hand, it may be just that he's not into me, because I don't look good. I'm not that pretty and obviously not that hot. I don't know, I just feel like even if I lose 3 or 4 or even 6 kg, I will still be fat and worthless, and nobody could be attracted to me.

67,8

Yep, quite nice. Yesterday I went to the party and got a little bit stoned (like badly, not in a nice, smooth way) but I didn't eat that much. Although, it was totally humiliating. But at least I got stoned, not drunk. When you are stoned you don't stink. It wasn't a pure weed, that's why I got sick. Blah. I should be studying, I have a very difficult exam on Wednesday and I haven't even started learning. My friend has her birthday today and she wants us to go for a beer somewhere and I am so exhausted. Besides, I don't want to drink. It's like, I drink everyday. Friday - I went for a beer with my mate, yesterday I drank some wine, and today beer again? It's so many empty calories, and I don't even like alcohol. God, I should be jogging instead of waisting time on friends-gatherings. I hope I will achieve my first goal (67kg) in a few days and will set another one. I felt so bad yesterday, I think I've never felt so bad after smoking in my whole life, I was like dying... Thank God for my friends who took care of me, if they haven't been there, I don't know what would have happened to me...

68.3

Well, it's gettinh a little bit better. I've set my eyes on 67kg goal. The second one will be 64kg, hopefully. I'm on the right track though. I want to lose weight, I want to have arms and collarbones, and legs which look good in high heels. I want to be able to wear a dress and not look funny or disgusting, so nobody will wonder if I know how bad I look and why did I wear it. No. I want to look fine. Or better than fine. I want to look like a woman or a girl, a resptected human being. And I want to look in a way that guys will pay attention to me, look at me, like me... And I could like myself :) I just want to be wanted. And loved. And nobody will love me when I'm fat. But when I'm strong and beatiful, somebody might. Or I am tiny and fragile - maybe then somebody would like to take care of me :) Or at least I could pretend that I am normal and I have those chances and I can hope for something good to happen and I can at least try :)

SWEAT!

I just came back from jogging. It wasn't impressive, but
I manager and that's most important :D I run approximately 30-35 minutes and I walked for 20. Overall, today was a good day; except the history exam obviously. I didn't binge, I didn't purge, I didn't eat after 6 p.m. On a dinner I enthusiastically consumed hard-boiled egg, low- fat fromage frais and a soya coctail. I think it was between 350 and 400 calories and before that I ate properly, don't have to be ashamed of it. Although, I smoke too much. Anyway, I survived 3 days without binging, yeay! Exams, stress and me telling that the time is too precious during the session to waste it on binging and purging. And this ''me'' is probably right. If only I could maintain this position during the whole academic year...

68.8

Lately, I sleep like 3 to 4 hours per day and I drink a lot of coffee, diet coke and energy drinks. Brrrrr, sometimes I am even shaking. First exam I passed - 3,5 (2 means failure, 3-you pass, 5-the highest grade). Yesterday I had another one and today I also have one. It shall be a disaster, it's the U.S. History and I know practically nothing because I started revising (not revising to be honest, but reading for the first time). And I'm exhausted. Well, I try to eat well at least and go for a walk sometimes. I was dreaming that at the end of the exam session I will be so tired and weak that I eventually become thin - ha ha ha, not with all that energy drinks, that's for sure.

69.4

Exams, exams and @.
Tomorrow I will have to go to work.
Yesterday I didn't binge, I didn't purge.
I drank a beer. I ate a muffin. I went for a walk.
I smoked a lot. I didn't cry.
I have to study now.
I don't wanna binge today ;)

RUN

Today I was revising the whole day, eating shit, and in the evening, when I came home - I binged. And I purged. And then I ate. I was like chocolate, ice-cream, chicken, lettuce, potatos, everything. Of course you won't manage to return all of it. So my stomach was like a huge sticking out ball and I was lying on my bed, trying to learn (exam in 8 hours from now), posting some stupid shit on Facebook. And of course he didn't "like it". No one (of those important) did. So I was lying there, refreshing fucking page every five minutes, then I just covered my head with the pillow and stayed silent for a half an hour.

And then I was like:

FUCK IT.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME, THAT'S FINE.

FUCK YOU.

I WON'T BE MISERABLE AND SAD AND WASTING MY LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS. I WON'T BE THIS UNHAPPY, CRYING  GIRL, ALWAYS DOWN AND JOYLESS.

FUCK YOU.

I AM GOING TO FUCKIN RUN.

And I went for a run. Or jogg, if you prefer to call it that way. With my huge, bunchy, hurting belly. And you know what? I MANAGED. I walked for 3 minutes maybe and I stretched once during 25 or 30 minutes or something. And you know what? NO ONE WILL TELL ME I CAN'T.

I FUCKING CAN.

It doesn't matter how much I weigh or how much did I eat. It depends on my DETERMINATION.
I will be strong, I will be joyful and I will be PROUD. And I will do everything I want to. And if then nobody doesn't like me - that's fine. But how can other people like me if I do not like myself? If I'm not satisfied with myself? If I'm not proud of myself? And I fucking can, because I am able to do it. I am able to fucking ACHIEVE MY GOALS (not defined yet, but that's not the point my dears.)
I CAN.



I CAN.
I CAN.
I CAN.


AND NO ONE WILL TELL ME I FUCKIN' CAN'T.

69,1 again

I don't know. I just don't know what is happening. It's like - I'm stucked. I can eat 1000 calories, I can march for 2 hours - nothing happens. My question is: what the fuck? Like seriously. I'm trying. Well, and I am constantly hungry. Last week I took my kick-boxing class twice (pretty exhausting shit) and I was in my aerobic class once. And guess what? Number on my scale didn't drop AT ALL. I'm pretty fucking tired with all of this. I am unable to set my priorities lately and it is a bad thing. And I am fucking angry with all my life and with all the people, myself included. Fuuuuuck, at least I could be thin, if my life is such a mess already.

First Exam

Today I have my French exam and I know totally nothing, I had no time to prepare (at all) and I think today I diet will be based on high-sugar junk shit, because I have to study and stuff and have a toooons of energy to revise something at all ( I have my test on 5 p.m.) Yep. I am angry because it turned out yesterday that once I decide to fuck up or do a little cheating, everything, like practically the world turns against me. Seriously! So I have to be conscious all the time and not have ANY doubts, yeah. You can't just fuck up and then just fix it. You can. EVERYTHING will be against you if you decide to give up or cheat. But wait till tomorrow when my exam session is officially underway motherfuckers! It will be a bootcamp you've never seen before!

1300 calories

I think that today I ate around 1300 calories, which is not that bad.

Breakfast:
radish, light cottage cheese, dark bread ~ 220 calories

Lunch:
light fraise cheese, crackers, Milky Way ~ 360 calories

Dinner:
pop corn, instant soup, half of the apple, a roll ~ 650-700 calories?


I think that sum in sum it was a pretty good day when it comes to eating.

69.0

Yep, 2 days ago I weighed 68 kg or even less, but yesterday I was so tired I slept all day and couldn't really move, just eating and drinking (beer, hy hy) so I'm back on 69 today. But my plan is to eat more vegetables, eat healthier, abandon beer maybe? But really, lately I had to watch some movies for my school project ("Perfect Vagina", Dove "Evolution Commercial" and some others) I realized, I cannot let others to tell  me what should I be or how should I look like. What really does matter is how do you feel with your body, how you treat it. Body is an integral part of yourself, so you should take care of it and love it, but at the same time - it's not the only thing that you have to offer. I met some really great people lately and yes, personality does matter. I want to be liked, I don't have to be a Miss Universe who is admired and followed on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. I'm almost 20 and finally - I want to have friends who like me - both my body and my character. They don't have to adore you, but like - I think it's enough, it's normal. I want to lose some weight because I have many smaller pretty things to wear and it would be definitely healtier for my knees, but from now on - I don't think it will be such a priority. I used to look at people and judge them and then I looked critically at myself, but I guess now I am starting to look deeper into people. Maybe I've started growing up, ha ha. Or it's just today is a good day and I am in a good mood :D

69,1

I think it's because my @ has ended, my body offloaded the excessive water and my weight returned to its average point. But it's getting warmer and warmer outside and hopefully I won't be feeling hungry soon, just thirsty. Whatever, I am too tired and too busy to care about anything right now, I just wish the school is over and I can sleep a little bit more than 4 hours a day. I cannot concentrate on diet or stuff like that because I am already exhausted and I need energy and I need fast food, because I'd rather spend 15 extra minutes in bed than doing salad or something... Ehh, whatever, I have to go to do the project for Monday before I head out to my fabulous 9-hour 8zl per hour job. Soooo cannot wait!

It is so sad when you are on a diet for a period of time, and then everything gets fucked up ONCE and it stays that way... I mean, once you start binging and purging (just once, just one day) you cannot really break the circle. so you do it repeatedly, day after day, and you cannot even start eating healthy, properly... it is so sad. And yesterday also- I started my day with an ice-cream (a very good one, I admit). It was like 320cal, and I didn't eat for 4 hours then so it was normal intake when it comes to calories, but I ate one more little popover and then I drank sweet liquer and... everything fucked up :) I've started drinking hot water in the morning, it is supposed to clean your body.

Bad Bad Day

Yesterday I had a really bad day. Instead of going to the University and my PE lesson, I went out with my friend (it was barely 1 p.m.) and we started to drinking. White sweet wine, a glass of sweet strawberry champagne... As a result we got a little drank and we had to get sober quickly, because her parents came home and they brought grandma... And you can't smell like a pub in the presence of your 80-year old grandma. So we started eating. Sweets, mostly. And then I came home and then everything got fucked up. And I binged, and I purged, and everything is just like a week  ago - 70,2 kg and I am totally unhappy... And I thought all of this was well behind me...

69,1 :(

I have my @ now and yesterday I ate like everything, just tons and tons of sweets, I can't help it when I'm about to have @. I fucked up so badly, but at least I know exactly why. I tried to stay strong, but cravings were awful. Does not matter anymore, I won't be beat by my own body. I'm a little bit worried though because I have my PE lesson tomorrow and it will be pretty exhausting and I don't know if I can manage PE after such long break.
Today I ate a light fromage frais and a coffee with 1,5% fat milk ~ 160 calories.
Now I have to do some writing for my final essay and then I am going to my French lesson. I missed all lectures today, my stomach is like a clinched fist :<

Keep calm, I will get back on a track in few days! And I promise to stay out of sweets for now! Eat healthy and sooner or later everything will be okay and normal again :)

67,9

Yes, although yesterday I was cheating again, the scale shows quite pretty figure. I ate one chocolate praline yesterday (friend gave it to me in the theatre and I found it impolite to refuse) and then as I came back home I allowed myself to eat some lettuce with 1000 islands sos, along with a few ravioli and a piece of bread. And I learned how to drink black coffee without a sugar! However, first coffee at home has to be drunk from my pink mug and it has to be with milk :) but later on I will drink only black coffee, I guess. Well, soon I have to head out to work, not so optymistic. And tomorrow I have my PE lessons, and there is so much stuff to do, and I don't know... I'm just so tired, it's not about the diet, just... life. So tired. Good thing is - 5th day without binging. But still- so tired.

68,3

Yep, just 0,4kg since yesterday, but I might have cheated a bit. I mean I drank like 3 cups of coffee with milk and I ate a lemon and 2 or 3 spoons of semolina. And I didn't move that much. However, it's nice to be 68,3 instead of 70,3 which I was just few days ago. I don't have any kind of plan or anything, I just want to lose as much as possible; doesn't matter if it's 2 kg or 5 kg. In a sense, I will be glad with any kind of change. I just want to feel better with myself, with my body. I want to feel lighter and healthier, and I don't want to binge. It's my fourth day without binging and purging so far. I don't know if I ever managed to stay out of this for more than 5 days. I want to try a week. God, even 6 days would be great. But what if you don't binge for two weeks? After 3 years of binging and purging every day? Is that mean your free from that? Is it mean that you're recovered? Well, as for now, I don't even consider failure, because once you do, you automatically fail. Good luck!

68,7

Back in the game. A lot of bad and crazy things have happened lately and thats why I didn't want or have time to write. But I think I'm much stronger now and I have a power to pursue my dreams. I can do anything. I know that. This is my first day on Dukan Diet (it's just has started actually) and automately third day without binging and purging. I feel so much happier and stronger and in control when I'm not doing it. I wish I could never do it again. I have to find my priorities, I have to find this power in myself. But as I said, I think I'm much stronger and in better condiotion (at least psychologically ;> ) than I was 2 months ago. And no matter what happens and no matter how many times I fall, I will go forward. So think you will see more posts here now, and majority will be optimistic :)

69,6

Things got out of control a little bit lately.
But I've decided to work on it. Binging/purging has been destroying my life and took control over it. I'm trying to change that. I believe firstly I have to overcome that in order to lose weight. It's not helping anymore. It's been three years since everything has started and it is high time to end it.
One of my friends is managing a quite successful model career. The other one just got engaged. My friend is just about to get a job and do the internship. Few of other collagues are developing their band, playing concerts and trying to record. Another one is going on the Erasmus students exchange. People have plans. They make them happen, they plan their goals and they achieve them. All successes I can share with people are the facts that I didn't binge today (yet) or that I didn't binge yesterday or I lost 1 pound (then gain 5 but whatever) or that I got a healthy breakfast. I don't want these kind of achievements anymore. I have to do something with my life to achieve something in my life. And soon I will be 20 years old. This whole food/weight problem has been concerning my mind for far too long now. I've even bought the book called "Diet Coach" the other day. Must read it.

68,1 FAT FAT FAT

I'm supposed to go back to school and my PE lesson on Monday, not sure how I'm gonna do that. Why do I always dream about doing something, but never have a courage and determination to actually DO it? So pathetic. I want to know how it feels to actually ACCOMPLISH something through the sorrows and thanks to determination, not "luck". I used to know this feeling, when I was younger, when I was 13 years old and I would have such strong will power that I would eat 3 apples a day for 2 weeks in order to lose 5 kilos. I remember it was a great feeling, this flat stomach...Why can't I return to that state of mind when you are so determined you can do ANYTHING... You can finish and get satisfaction...

67,8

It's 2 p.m. so kinda late for weigh-in, but this is what scale shows :)
That's really fine, if I don't mess up I might achieve my goal. I can't understand how from 64,5 I came to 69... again. I mean, I promised myself that I won't make the same mistake... again... and I did :) But there is no point in whining about it, nothing ever happens when you do that. Positive attitude actually does help. Well, I'm going to eat my breakfast now cause I woke up a few minutes ago. I have to prepare myself cause there is possibility that I go to the club tonight... I'm scared, I don't have anything to wear. Grrrrrr. If only I were skinnier...