69,6

Yesterday I went to the cinema alone and then I met my friend. We just sat on the terrace, drinking white wine and smoking cigarettes. About on hour later we were in a very good mood already and decided to crush our collague's party (in addition, we WERE invited). I prepared for a party in 4 minutes (or even less) wearing my mother's clothes, which she will be furious about once she finds out :) We were practically running to the bus, so afraid to miss it, feeling sooo like partying ;)

We drank another bottle of martini there and I had one shot of vodka, we danced a little bit and I came home around 3 a.m. I ate a bunch of things I shouldn't have, but not "sooooo much". I also walked home for about 3 kilometres? Or even a little bit more. Now I have to go to the mall to look for a present for my dad's birthday.

Another party this evening. But 69.6 kilos again! Last summer I was partying a lot, like a lot- a lot and that was the period when I was the skinniest in my whole highschool life. And I used to run those days. It is amazing, I smoked so much, drank so much, and still was in the best shape of my life, I could run for 45 or 60 minutes non-stop.

70.7

Amazing. 3rd day without a diet - and here we go. I weigh nearly as much as I used to last week. I feel soooo discuraged. That's what the scale does to me - takes a hope away.
On today's breakfast I ate one sandwich with chicken lean, dark bread and a lot of lettuce on the top and one rice knitt with low-fat fruit fromage frais and few sunflower seeds. As I summed up - it turns out to be around 150-160 calories. I have also drank 2 mugs of tea :)
Good start of a dreadful day.
I was going to go to the cinema but I'm not in the mood any more, although I may change my mind and go to the movie which is being showed at 7 p.m. and not go to the party which my collague throws this evening. I am a little bit sad and disappointed, I was soo counting on seeing something like 70.1 or 70.3 on a scale...

.....

I binged and puked, but just once. I ate some pretty awful things and now I feel very bad, I have a headache, I am tired and it just came to me that it might be food poisoning, I might have eaten something not fresh.
I am watching Laguna Beach right now and starting to feel a little bit hungry, but I'm afraid  I may feel worse if I eat something. I'd like to drink some diet soda but not enough to get dressed and go to the shop. This is the second day of my laziness and hopelesness.
Should I invite a friend for a sleepover or something not to be alone? I don't want to use laxatives any more, not today at least. I've lost all day doing nothing. I hate that.

...

I might have taken too many laxatives yesterday because during the night I had those awful stomachache and it didn't work out the way I expected.
I am beastly bloated now, I ate an apple, some fresh spinach and a table spoon of peanut butter, wchich I am addicted to now.
I put a face pack on and I am watching Pretty Little Liars now :) Later I am seeing my friend, we will go for a walk. My mom went on a trip today, she will be back on Saturday. Till then, I am all by myself. I have a party tomorrow, but I feel so awful and fat, not really in the mood for celebrating.
I have to be careful with what I am eating today :)

Laxatives

Today I binged and puked 2 or 3 times, but a lot of junk food still stayed in my body, so I drank another teapot of laxatives herbs. And ate a lot of dried plums. I don't know, I just want to get rid of all this food that is inside me... And THEN when I am clean, I can start a healthy diet. I just want to start from nothing - I need to be assured that those unhealthy products I have eaten are still being digested and truly affect (still) the way my body works even though I've changed the way I eat. I hate being held back. I just have to clean myself up. Maybe I need a detox.

69.7

ARGHT.

I drank like a 1,5 l of laxative herbs yesterday and it kind of worked, but still - I stepped on a scale- and booom!!! - 69,7kg! So practically doing diet as it should be held for 4 days I lost 2,5 kg and gained 1kg DURING the diet. This is how it is with those magic diets, the end before they ACTUALLY end. I saw ice cream flavour of mint with chocolate chips and although I don't really have a sweet tooth right now, I might just go there, buy this 500ml box and eat it later while watching some stupid romantic comedy, like Bridget Jones. Just out of anger. What's the point of dieting when you end up in the same place where you have started? I swear I am so angry with Pierre Dukan right now, I will go and eat a box of mint ice cream just to sabotage his idea and plan for me losing weight. ARGHT.

???

Is the Dukan Diet really effective?
Or is something wrong with my body?
I have those huge constipations, I haven't been to toilet since I've started this diet. I do everything as I am told, I eat those bran (maybe a little too much?), I drink about 3 litres of liquids, I walk at least for 40 minutes a day and still... nothing. I feel like my stomach is a one big stone. It's quite uncomfortable and when you're in this state for 4 days, it's starting to really bother you and make you anxious and edgy. And how can it be healthy to hold food in your body for four days? You become a stale rubbish dump. I don't think this is really the way to lose weight if you think it through.

Today's Menu

Well, as I wrote earlier, I did some Dukan Diet lately (today is my fourth day) and I want to write down my menu.
I ate like a kilogram of chicken today. Literally. I am so carnivore right now! And I used to be vegetarian for almost 5 years :)
I woke up at 8 o'clock and was very hungry, so I ate a pack of cottage cheese (150g) and I went back to sleep for another few hours. Hungry again at 12.30, I ate a medium de volaille that I made the day before (in the oven, with bran - as the recipe from Dukan Diet book says).
In the afternoon I roasted another chicken breast (whole chicken breast) with one pack of cottage, 1 pickle, egg and bran - it turns out to be a de volaille after one hour and 15 minutes in 180*C.
I ate that too - there were 2 medium and one raher small pieces; my mom had a bite or two, because they came out very well. I ate one at 4 o'clock and other two - at 7 p.m.
I also drank two big mugs of coffee. And I am sooooo fuuul!
You suppose to eat a lot of white meat on DD, because your body has to spend a lot of energy to digest it, but I have a feeling I overdid today.

68.8

This is my 4th day of Dukan and I think tomorrow will be my last day. It has stopped being effective. Before I have started I had weighed 71.2 kg and today in the morning scale showed 68.8 kg. It is only 2.2 kilos in three days, and what's worrying me most is the fact that I lost over 1 kg and after that - each day only 0.3 drop - it's almost like on a normal 1000 calorie diet. I just want to try one more thing -  perk some laxative herbs, drink it and see if it will be some change on a scale tomorrow. I am starting to lose hope in my diet, everything goes so slowly...

Old Times

I visited my attic yesterday and went through my old diaries and notebooks. And all the memories came back to me as I saw the weight- check in the corner of every page. Those most horryfying inscriptions were from first grade of highschool, I believe my darkest period. At that time, I weighed about 82-84 kilos, although now as I recall those individual scenes from my life, I remember one  particular day. It was probably Friday, as I had my PE on the first lesson. I didn't want to exercise so badly, because I was so fat (it was before I have started puking). I remember the day before I made some kind of commitment to myself, that if the scale shows less than 85 kg, I am going to PE, and if it's above 85 kg, I am staying home. Unfortunately, the weight was ABOVE 85, however I found the power in myself to go to this lesson anyway. It was so hard, I almost bursted into tears. And there was also one day (those memories are quite hazy, but I don't think I could make up such thing), when the scale showed something around 87. It might have been 87 or 87,6 or something like that. But it happened one or two times, probably the day after frightful binge, when I was bloated and still full of food. But there was a time like this, a time when I weighed 84-85 kilos, I felt, well, horrible and I was ashamed and it was all so excruciating that I pulled it out from my memory. I can't believe I actually weighed THAT much and I don't even want to know how I looked during that time. In my everyday life when someone asks me about my highest weight, I answer 75-76 kilos, becasue I just DON'T remember worse times. If it wouldn't be for those diaries with direct weight from everyday scaling, I would have forgotten this completely. 3 years ago I could actually weigh 16 or 17 kilos more than I weigh now... And I don't remeber that time at all. I remember what my days were like before the first grade and after that, but I have practically NO memories from the time I was the heaviest. Maybe it is connected to the fact that it was the exact same time, when my father left us and it's commonly known that we displace unpleasant memories. But I have weighed 85 kilos... unbelievable.

Visiting Grandma

Today I went to my grandma, but (ba-dum tsssss) I didn't overeat. In fact, I ate a small bowl of tomatoe soup with noodles and then 2 potatoes with a half of a plate of tomatoes. 2 hours later I drank a cup of coffee with milk and ate some grapes and 3 small cones. Then I came home and consumed 4 rice-wafels with cream cheese and 4 small tomatoes. A lot of potassium today :)
When I was watching TV later this evening, I was craving for something sweet so I ate 4 small pieces of chocolate, but I needed more, so I ate ONE bonbon, then I made myself a big mug of green tea and I came back to watching Desperate Housewives.
I know that most of you probably think it's lame that I ate chocolate and a bonbon late in the evening, but it's actually a big deal to me, since it has never happened that I ate the exact amount I needed and stopped when I fulfilled my need. It was a wonderful feeling! I felt like a normal person...

70.1 kg

Well, I am stucked with this weight. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't believe this is the weight I supposed to be and live with it all my life... I don't agree on that! But whether I starve or I train or overeat - next day I will weigh 70 kilos. 70.5 or 71 if I eat badly. What, what on earth can I do to beat this weight.
I guess my last chance is Dukan. I just don't like it so much, I love vegetables, fruits and bread... It's one of the most effective, but still - most demanding diet for me. But what else can I do?

My Evening

In the morning I weighed 69.5 kg, which was wonderful feeling :)

I messed up with my diet a little bit though. I ate a muesli bar, a Kinder Pingui and a few dried plums, so I guess my caloric balance came out around 1300 kcal. Or maybe it was 1400 calories. But still, not so bad after all. And I didn't puke.

Unfortunately, I have my stomach sooo full I can't go running. Maybe it won't last for ever, but I may be forced to trade 'my run' for 'my walk' today, which is a bit sad, especially since yesterday I was so contented with my work out and I felt encouraged to do more this evening. I will wait and maybe go for a jogg later in the night.

I want to start 1000 calorie diet on Monday, 20th of August and I hope by this time I will be under 69 kilos.  Today I didn't do my best. I have to try harder. You always have to try harder. And push to the limit. Your own, personal limit.

Another Day

Today I binged and purged once, but it was around 1.00 p.m. It was right after I woke up and ate a healthy breakfast. I guess I was a bit dissapointed, as the scale showed 70.2 kg. Now (it's 2.00 a. m.) I weigh 70.5 and am wondering what this number will be in the number. Hope that less than 70.00, please.
I have been jogging a little bit today, I may have ran a little bit slower than yesterday, but the distance was longer. I still feel muscles in my legs. I want to be strong, I have to be strong physically as well as mentally. I have to be prepared for the life. I want to be UNBREAKABLE and undeterred.

I still haven't smoked or drunk though.

Statements&Facts

1. Yesterday I did a little running. It was probably around 2 kilometres, but I haven't been running since last summer, so I am in a kinda terrible shape. And I have my period. But at least I tried and maybe next time will be better.

2. Today will be my third day without throwing up (or second one if you wanna be paintfully accurate, but on Tuesday - it happened one time, in the evening, and just a little, like maybe it was a one sandwich, so I honestly count this as a non-puking-day).

3. Today will be my 7th day without smoking. I want to last at least 10 days. Or a month. Or a for ever.

4. Today will be my 5th day without any drinking (Not that I am an addict, I just want to do 1 month detox or at least 2 weeks. Or one week - I supposed to go to a party on Sunday ;) I just feel better while I don't drink constantly and it's surely best for my figure).

...

Yesterday was such a good day... I could say "today" because it after 2 a.m. and I haven't gone to bed yet.
Yesterday I ate dinner at 6.30 p.m. and managed not to snack till 11.00, when I (wo-whoa!) decided to go for a run. I came home around 12 and I wasn't feeling sleepy, so I started watching movies. When 2.00 o'clock chimed, I went down to the kitchen and consumed HUGE bowl of cauliflower and tomatoes with garlic&olive sauce. Then I drank a mug of green tea. Now it's quarter to 3.00 and I have my stomach so fulled up that it aches. It may also be an indigestion. However, I am stupid. I am so, so stupid. Why on the earth would I go to the kitchen at 2.00 o'clock and allow myself anything else than a tea? I can't believe I let myself down like that again...

I know must stay awake till around 5.00 a.m. so my stomach has a chance to digest all that food. I am soooo soooo angry with myseld, especially that I caused this pain to myself by myself.
WHY I AM INCONSISTENT AND INCONSEQUENTIAL? I ALWAYS have to pay for my mistakes and I usually do it alone while scaling. Or while sitting alone in my room, wondering if my stomach is ever gonna stop aching.

I have decided I will stop puking. That's another thing about myself I have to fight. I was standing in this kitchen, considering if I should eat pasta with spinach and some roll, bread, than some sweets, than - probably anything and end up above the toilet or come back to my room and lay down trying to get through stomachache or vomit just the cauliflower and tomatoes. As two days earlier I made a promise I will fight my bulimia problem, I chose the second option. And know I'm about to go make myself another cup of tea. I just hang on a thought that I provided some nutrition to my body and those weren't totally wasted calories. Although I sabotaged my effort to lessen my stomach and it SUCKS.

GOAL NUMBER ONE

BE CONFIDENT

67 KILOS

*************LIST OF GOALS************

1. 67 kilograms

2. 64 kilograms

3. 61 kilograms

4. 58 kilograms

5. 55 kilograms

6. 52 kilograms

7. 49 kilograms

8. 46 kilograms

9. 43 kilograms

11 REASONS WHY I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT:

1. I want to feel better in my skin.
2. I want to be fit and have a toned up body.
3. I need to boost my confidence and self-esteem.
4. I want to go into university and start studies as a new person.
5. I want to be able to wear tight-fitting jeans.
6. I want to be prepared for the entrance exams to Drama School.
7. I want to wear high heels with mini skirt.
8. I want to go out with guys and not feel greatful for that. So I can arouse the interest in guys.
9. I want to be able to go out every time and everywhere I want and not have to worry about my look.
10. I want to show off with my appearance.
11. I want to be able to go into the boutique, try on whatever I like in size 36 and look fabulous.

Think.

Hello, what's up guys?

I went to library today and I borrowed a couple of books about healthy eating, lifestyle and dieting. And what's more important - about motivation and attitude as well as psychological problems with obesity and losing weight.
I have to get through this stuff and figure out what's wrong with me and what I have to change in my mind and myself.
When I finally put myself together, I will check with you and post a note with my resolutions about how I am gonna get along with my life. How I am going to manage that.
Expect the note on Friday, August 10th.

69.8

Too many parties, too much drinking, too much eating late in the night, not enough moving and working out, not enough sleep... Well, I'm in an awful shape, I am exhausted and fat. And still - boyfriendless. That's what partying and alcohol do to you.
I guess I should call all my friends and tell them I'm going away so they wouldn't invite me to all those parties, beer, drinking etc. I don't need this and I don't really want.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at 11.00 so I can't get wasted today although I think my collagues expect me to. Maybe just a bottle of white wine will make everyone happy. I need to detox, I'm afraid really quickly. Then I can be healthy and eventually - thin.