My Results

Well, yesterday I got the results of my Matura Exams.
Here they are:

Polish Language
-basic level - 84%
-extended level - 75%

English
-basic level - 100%
-extended level - 95%

Mathematics
-basic level - 96%
-extended level - 78%

Civic Education
-extended level - 46%

As I haven't prepared for the last one, I can't be surprised. I wish I did better at maths, cause I know I could. I could also have written Polish better, I am satisfied with English though.
In two weeks from now, I will know what it's gonna be with my studies :)

28.06.2012

I stepped on a scale - 68.4kg. I'm aware of the fact that if I had not overteaten in the night, I would probably weigh 68.2kg. And I'm so tired and so mad...
I drunk coffee with a lot of milk and 5 dried plums; I also percolated a jug of senesae but every thought of this gives me a willies.
I'm not going to a job interview, I am too tired for that.I feel so bad, physically and mentally. From now on - 8 hours of sleep for a day, definitely!
I am so, soooo dissapointed with myself, I can't even describe it. I mean, how on earth could I binge - just like that, without any particular reason, after those like hell 3 days when I did so well?????

...

It's 3 a.m. in the morning and I went downstairs to the kitchen, to let my cat out... and then it started. Totally out of my control. I couldn't think. I just ate and ate and ate, everything I could see, so after 20 or 25 minutes I ended up bent over a toilet... I fucked up, again. I fucked up because I puked and on the other hand - I fucked up beacuse I didn't puke it all - there is a lot of it disgusting food left in my stomach.

I HATE MYSELF. I DETEST MYSELF. I DESPISE MYSELF.

All that effort in last few days - for what?
I am so accurate and so stressed and everything is going well and I just have to spoil everything, as always... I am so hopeless I can't even look at my self. And three hours earlier I was thinking that someone can actually feel something about me. That I can be worth loving. Nice joke. Who would give a fuck? Noone saw me, noone heard me, noone came to me... noone cares.

I am bored so I will post something.

Tomorrow suppose to be the last day of my I stage of Dukan Diet. I have tried a few times before, but actually I would always give up after first or second day. Maybe this time I complete my programme!
I mean 4-5 days, because on Friday night I have a party (it's my friend's birthday) and even if I don't eat anything, I will sure be drinking alcohol and we all now it's pure sugar. And I cannot drink on occasion like this, especially that we also get the results of our exams on this day ( I HOPE I PASSED).
But I checked - one bottle of semi-dry white wine has 560 calories. So, I may try to eat 700-800 calories during the day and then I will be just supping wine ( I've already bought it, of course).
Actually, I didn't read all this stuff I should have and I have no idea what should I do after I stage of DD. And I am really, really starting to worry about those results and OH GOD WHAT DO I DO IF I HAVE FAILED????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And in the morning I have another job interview.

---69---

After two days of Dukan Diet, I weigh 69 kilo.
Which means the loss of 1.6kg (in two days). My plan was to survive 4-5 days on this diet, I hope I can manage. Although I feel a little bit lost. And sad. I don't know why... I thought when I overstep the line of "69kg" I am gonna feel great and I will be some kind of slim, like I was a year ago, but I'm not... And I can't imagine how much do I have to lose to feel fine and nice and beautiful again... I was so naive.

DUKAN

Hi, I decided to try Dukan Diet for a while. Today will be my second day and I weigh 69.8kg, which is great in my opinion as I don't see this "7" in front of me on a scale. I want to try it for 4days, because on Friday I have my friend's birthday, so I couldn't manage it anyway.

I was looking for a work, but apparently you have to be experienced to work in a fast food, not mentioning a cafe. It is so depressing.
On Friday I am going to get the results of my exams so I will be able to apply for studies. Not getting stressed yet, it's definetely a bad sign...

Well, as I am stucked in a world with no opportunities, I may go and make myself some scrambled eggs. Or whatever.

Premiere Jour

It's 7 o'clock in the morning and at 10.45 I have a job interview. It's only for a summer job, but still - it's important to me. I haven't slept all night, firstly - because I was cleaning my closet, secondly - because I was reading "Mother Courage and her Children", thirdly - because I was thinking about old friend of mine who totally blew my off (when I started having a crush on him or falling for him or whatever - it was an obvious mistake). Now we practically don't speak to each other, at least I try - but he doesn't give a fuck.

I spend the whole night wondering what i did wrong. I mean, I miss him. A lot. Although, it doesn't really matter as he has a girlfriend now (or a female friend who will turn into a girlfriend right away) and he doesn't even need me as a simple friend. I don't know if I could bear that though.

The good news is, I weigh 70.1 kg now. Right after my job interview I am going to my father (5 hours on a bus, what a pleasure), I want to see the one premiere in the theatre in his city. I couldn't find the right outfit (one of the reasons I was cleaning my wardrobe) and I was starting to feel horrible, because nothing could fit me, I am still too fat for all my dresses (ones I used to wear before I turned into a hippo). Eventually, I went to my mother (at 6 o'clock) whining about my i-don't-have-anything-to-wear problem and she was so pissed, she borrowed me quite nice black dress (exactly the type I was looking for). I can put it on my enormous ass - definitive positive.

Well, I have to take a shower and make myself human again, since I resemble a zombie right now.

Meeting

Today in the morning I weighted 70.9 kg.
I ate an apple, about 10 strawberries and a piece of roll. I also drank a big coffee (like 2 normal mugs) with full-fat milk.
I went for a short walk (like 25 minutes maybe) and now as starting to feel hungry again, I will try to prepare a healthy meal for myself . Then I am meeting some friends, so we will probably grab a frappe or beer...
But I promised myself to be careful with calories! If I come back home today, I might even work on my stationary bicycle. Well, I have a present to wrap.

Busy Day

Well, today was a little bit crazy. At midday I went to visit my polish teacher from secondary school with my two friends, then we came to my house and we made scrambled eggs with onion and chicken loin and we ate it with tomatoes. We also drank coffee with 1,5% of fat milk.

After that we strolled a little and drove to Warsaw when I met my friend from highschool, we hung out for a while and then I came home, where I ate two crackers with cream cheese. I went out with two other friends for a beer, but actually they drank a beer and all I was consuming was Blood Orange Powarade, which I am quite proud of :)

When I returned home I ate two tomatoes, cottage cheese and a half of graham roll. I also smoked almost whole pack of cigarettes... too much time spend with other smokers, I'm afraid.

Well, I drank two or three glasses of water now and I am going to bed :)

5 kilograms

Well, currently I am home, catching up with some friends, as I am going back to Bydgoszcz on Friday.
I weight myself this morning - 71kg. It's not so bad! I mean, I know it supposed to go much quicker, as I started my diet - whatever 2 months ago. And I am aware of the fact that I am still at the beginning and I have done 1/6 of work at most, but really - even those 5kg make differance. And I wanna keep going so till my 19 birthday I can go under 68 kilograms. But before that, I want to enjoy each and every one of those  
5kg I've lost!

Paris

Today I am leaving for France, so I will spend whole day in the car (the same tomorrow). I will be one day in Paris (Saturday), on the Sunday I have a work to do in small village called Meru and then I'going back home to Warsaw (whooooole Monday in car, I will probably get home in the middle of the night). I won't be sleeping too long though, as I have a train to Bydgoszcz (when my father lives) at 12.00 sharp and I have to get to the station ;-) Then - another 5 hours of sitting.

But nothing can spoil me the pleasure of visiting Paris, even for one day and even if it's raining!

Paris, je t'aime!

6.6.12

Oh God, I weight 71.2kg again.
I want to go under 68 so badly! I remember when I was at that weight last year, I could fit my only jeans, and I would love to wear them... I practically wear only skirts and dresses, even when it's cold (and it is cold now here, believe me) because I'm to big for trousers. Oh, no, actually there are ones I can put on my fat ass, but they are grey and ugly and baggy and I hate them. Goooosh, I'm turning into a cow again while I'm supposed to turn into a butterfly or a roe.
Grrrr I feel like watching a "Devil wears Prada" or "Harry Potter" today. However, I don't have time for it as I have to clean my room and pack. Lovely.

BEGINNING

Today wasn't that bad, at least when it comes to my eating :)

During the day I ate some bread (I am aware of the fact that it is a real crap, especilly the white one, but it was so fresh and tasty I couldn't resist), on the breakfast I had a cup of milk (1,5% of fat) with a little spoon of honey, at 6 p.m. I ate 100g of cottage cheese and small bread roll, then (at about 8.45) I went for a dinner to my friend.

I had another little roll, some salad made of rice, tomatoes and cucumber (and mayonnaise I'm afraid), some grated carrot with vinegar and olive oil and one dumpling filled with farm cheese and potato cream. I also drank a glass of white whine (semi-sweet was it, I guess) and a cup of coffee with condensed milk.

Well, I thought I made pretty well today, but now when I wrote it all down, it doesn't seem like that anymore. At least I didn't overeat nor did I binge. I have to satisfy myself with that.