Today's Menu

Breakfast:

180g of light cottage cheese with 200g of radish and 4 rice cakes

150+40+80=270 calories

Lunch:

50g of museli with 175g of light yoghurt and 230g apple

190+210+130=430 calories

Dinner:

This will be harder. Firstly, a roll - not one roll but few smaller pieces of roll - approximately 150 calories with some chicken loin - another 150 calories? I also ate 300g of green bean (90 cal) and about 300g of tomatoes (60 calories)  -> around 450 calories.


SUMMING UP:
1150 calories and I will probably drink a coffee with skimmed milk so it will be 1250 calories

It could be better but still - such a long day - it also could be a lot worse. And maybe tomorrow will be better. For now - two days without binging, I don't consume more calories than I should and I went for a walk today. And I don't know my weight yet ;)

My Eating Plan For Today

Breakfast:
-2 rice cakes
-200g of radish
-180g of light cottage cheese

40+40+150= 230 calories -> eaten

Lunch:
-chicken breast
-300g of green beans

200+100= 300 calories -> eaten

Tea:
-yoghurt
-muesli
-chewing gum

90+220+20= 330 calories -> eaten


Summing up:   230+300+330= 860 calories  <- MISSION ACOMPLISHED

 

This Is What Makes Us Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVjsGKrE6E8 - Summertime Sadness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEEX6dcPMiw - This Is What Makes Us Girls

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzy6rO5noGg - Serial Killer


I've been listening to these songs all the time since yesterday, just in reverse order... I can't stop, they are so good! I underrated that girl, I have to admitt. Few month ago I fell in love with Radio and Carmen, not mentioning Video Games beacause it was like year ago. I didn't listen to her at all because I thought if there is such buzz about her in the media it must be some real shit (her look also didn't convince me), and I was so wrong. Shame on me for my ignorance.

68 kg

Yes, 68kg despite of yesterday's overeating - basically I've gained 2 pounds during this last week, which is a bit comforting as I thought I've gained twice that. But always that 1kg is the hardest to lose because it's kind of already settled and stable. Brrrrrrr. But I have a bigger picture in mind, remember - BIGGER PICTURE!
I promised myself if I reach 65kg (WHEN I reach 65kg) I will buy myself this pills for sculpting bust (I'd really wanna try it but it's very expensive and you risk the lot of money). And when I go under 67kg, I allow myself to drink from this sweet blue mug I've bought.
Anyway, this week I don't have my PE lessons but hopefully I will go for a cycling or something during the holidays (4 days this week, but unfortunately I have to catch up with a bunch of friends that I don't really want to so my really free time will be limited).

Veeeery Deceitful Chicken

So I ate... 3 pieces of chicken (that like 0,5kg) with mayonnaise and two rolls...
And then I ate an oatmeal with 3 spoons of sugar... And flavored milk. And muesli with yoghurt. And broccoli. And cottage cheese with sugar, And I am wondering : HOW? How it is possible that my stomach didn't explode? Seriously, I'm not counting calories anymore, just thinking of the phenomen of my stomach...

My Traditional Breakfast

There won't be any radishes soon, so I have to eat them as much as I can now, when they are still available. Nothing tastes as great as raw radish with light cottage cheese and salt. Actually nothing tastes better when you add dark Fitness Bread, but here come calories.

 Therefore I ate:

- 250g of radish (50 cal)

- 150g of light cottage cheese (120 cal)

- 2 rice cakes (40 cal)

So in total it's 210 calories.

Maybe later I will have a coffee with skimmed milk, so it will be another 100 calories.

Tadada-dammm...

Yes, I am not planning on weighing myself till my @ is over, but I want to remain healthy diet. I just would like to drop this few unhealthy pounds from last couple of weeks (I've gained about 5 pounds lately) and then I want to move on to the real, long lasting journey to slenderness, withuot weighing in every two days, wondering if I've lost 100g since the day before. I have a bigger goal going on, a bigger picture in my head!

Today we had a time-change in my country (we moved the clocks 1 hour back) so I guess it's a good sign of new beggining, fresh start. The winter is coming (even the snow has fallen and it's not even the Halloween yet!) and we all know the winter is a great season for a change, you can come back beautiful in the spring. The real diet I wanna starto on November 1st, it's on Thursday.

I want to welcome spring beautiful and slim!

Bless

Yes, I am so glad. So glad that I have a crush on this colleague, although nothing is gonna happen (why do I always say that? I am getting older and older and if I won't stop "letting go" - 'there will be another one', I will find myself lonely, miserable, 25 year old virgin in a minute), but I STOPPPED THINKING ABOUT THAT ONE... I finally don't give a fuck if he has a girlfriend, if he is married, what he thinks about me... I just don't care anymore. It's a relief. I can focus on myself now. And I will. I have a chance, I am free and not obligated to anyone but me. I don't have to do anything. Or impress anyone. I want to focus on my studies and my weight, that's what will define me in a few years on maybe even few month if I am lucky. Little progress is still a progress. I am the most important person in my life.

Only Fascination

I think I finally got over THIS fucked up guy I was writing about a couple of times. I just do not care anymore. He's changed and I know he is changed and there is nothing more that I want from him, nothing that impresses me (but good look of course, but this is what owes more than just one guy). The best way to forget about one guy is to... find another. That's what I did. He is the cutiest, funniest and most hadnsome guy I know right now and I even think that he kind of likes me, but unfortunatelly my old schoolmate likes him also, and firstly she is kind of hottie no guy can pass by and seconly - she is very good in seduction. It took her just a couple of hours to wrapp him around her finger... So he's lost for me and I am so angry cause I didn't dibs him on at the right time so now I cannot even say anything. And I knew him before she did, and I liked him first! SO PISSED OFF!! But at least I know I am able not to give a fuck about that jerk.

@@@

This has to be the reason for my chocolate cravings and my never-ending hunger for last few days. I also drank some alcohol yesterday and practically didn't sleep at all' now I am feeling bloated and exhausted. I spend all my money this week (and I still don't know for what, I mean, I know -food. Bad, junkie food that only caused me gaining more weight and I haven't weighted myself in a few days but I just feel how much heavier I become avery day) and it was a really shitty week. I didn't sleep practically the whole week, always doing something till late night, getting up early, drinking a lot of coffee (so unhealthy and I managed to avoid it for such a long time; such a shame I had to blow it) and eating a lot to offset this low rate of energy caused by the lack of sleep... I feel like a psycho...

68,3 - FAT FAT FAT

Magnessium doesn't work for me any more, I have been taking it too often lately. Not matters actually, but I weigh 68,3 kg. It's beyond ... everything. I've gained 1,5 or 1 kg again, we have 67 days to New Year's Eve and I think I better start doing something. Now I am in a real hurry, so I can't write more (although today there is a lot of what I would like to write about) but today is a gate between my old life (like past few years, especially LAST YEAR - till May, I have this total mindfuck going on) because I spend last few drops of this perfume I was given on my 18th birthday and reminds me of last summer when everything started happening (in my head mostly). From tomorrow morning - only new perfume that I got this year, and NEW PERFUME = NEW LIFE !

How to Survive School and Save the Money

1. Instead of buying a pack of chewing gum every day, keep a little bit of tooth past in the bag.

2. Instead of buying Coke every day (while you are bored with still water) take with yourself a thermos with tea. It can be flavored  black or green tea. You can also perk a mint tea.

3. Bring some packed small meals with yourself. A portion should contain between 100 to 300 calories. You should provide yourself 4 or 5 meals per day.

4. Walk as much as you possibly can - every break take a walk to the bathroom or take a stairs.

5. Stick to fixed meals hours - plan them while you know you will be able to eat, like when you have a school break or empty hour between classes.

Binge Binge Binge

I binge, binge, binge, binge, I consume a thousands of calories, I amwork tired, I work on stupid meaningless papers, I can't deal with anything, I suffer, I am hopeless, nobody likes me, I am lonely, I, I , I, self centred, cannot focus on anything, it's a mess, movies, music, mess, Hot Mess by Cobra Starship, no, no, no, my friends are going to a party but I can't cause I AM FAT and have lectures tomorrow, but mostly I am fat, I am tired, oh, I said that, I have a big huge stomach nobody calls me nobody wants me nobody loves me, I love him, he doesn't I am fat I suffer. The End.

67,4

Yesterday I didn't take any laxatives or Magnesium or anything, and now it's just 6 a. m. so I guess it's a quite agreeable weight ;)
Today it's a busy day and I have so much work to do, I don't believe my diet will be as good as the day before, but I'll try to figure out something.
For example, I have to eat a breakfast now in order to take my pills, but I will go with tomatoes and  light cottage cheese, it won't be devastating.
Well, I don't know if I will do the weigh-in tomorrow or if I wait a few days so I could see the results, but I WILL MAINTAIN DIET!!!

68,2 in the evening

Today I may be quite proud of myself because :

- it's my 6th day without smoking
- I didn't binge
- I ate approximately 750 calories
- I didn't binge
- I went to PE lesson
- I ran for about 20 minutes (not much, I know, but it was late, I was tired and I haven't done it in a  very long time)

How is it possible that I didn't ate more than 1000 calories?
- 2x light cottage cheese with radish and rice cakes
- 1x drinkable yoghurt
- 1x yoghurt with muesli
- 1x pack of chewing gum

And I guess it would be all. I don't know if you consider it a challenge, but I do. And I haven't had such "dietly" succesfull day in, well., weeks. Hope I do not jeopardize my efforts :)

 

67,8 - in the morning

In the morning I weighed 67,8 kg- nice one, but I took 1,5 slice of Magnesium yesterday, so was probably just dehydration. Nevertheless, I decided to be optymistic and stick to the diet today.

So far I ate:

- 2 rice cakes with 1 triangle of light cream cheese (70 cal)
- 220g of radish with 120g of light cottage cheese (140 cal)
- 1 apple with 1 cereal bar (220 cal)
- 300g of broccoli with slice of light cheese (140 cal)

570 calories so far but I'm gonna go and fix myself some chicken because I am still hungry and could really use some proteins.

21 October

Well, today i am feeling better. Maybe my mother's return has something to do with it. Although we don't speak to each other much, the fact she is here makes me feel less lonely.
However I look bad with spots all over my face, but it doesn't really matter that much if I eat properly - they should be gone in a few days. This is my 5th day without smoking. I don't even feel like it anymore (first 3 days I had the worst cravings), but the IDEA of how I sit on a terrace in the evening, listening to the sad music and thinking about the boy I like, who has a girlfriend and doesn't want me... so tempting. I do not deal with rejection well. Any kind of unpleasant feelings, actually.
But I'm aware of the fact that once I start smoking again, I will regret it. I should probably give myself just some time off, to improve my condition, shape etc. How long it will last? I honestly don't know. Till the first emotional breakdown I guess.

Terrible Secret

I read somewhere once that when you start suffering from eating disorder, you stop growing emotionally. You are stucked in emontional growth till you recover - only then you can make progress and continue self-development. Which basically means, for me, that emontionally - I am on the stage of 16-year old girl. That mostly explains my problems with any kind of relationships. I'm not ready for them, because emotionally - I've barely started becoming a woman. I may look all like a grown-up (or even sometimes sexy woman) while I am still a child inside. A real child. I've always wondered (past few years) what is wrong with me, why anyone matches me? Now I know. I often feel threatened like boys may want something from me and they shouldn't. Well, they should. They can. It's natural. I still consider people my age children, whereas I'm the exception. Things like sex? Totally awkward and distant subject for me. People my age do it. It's normal. Have you ever wondered if anorexics or bulimics are virgins? My guess is - they are. They haven't grown to be old enough to be able to have sex. They are, like, retarded. Disease took it all from them - not they are disabled physically only, but mentally as well. And now what? I can't chase my friends, my collagues. Maybe one or two years ago I could, now they are out of my reach. I can't be in a relationship, I can't demand love from anyone. It's not fair to do it, because I can't repay that feeling, because I am not able to, because I once thought throwing up will help me deal with some other problems and now... Now I just don't owe my life anymore. I fall behind everyone and everything that meant something for me and I am left with nothing. I am all by myself, totally alone. And it will remain that way.

2 days without smoking - 68,5 kg

This is my second day without smoking and i already reached 68,5 kg.

It's sad. I am in terrible shape, both physically and mentally. I haven't been in such deep shithole since... I don't even remember. I feel awful. I wanted to go to the party tomorrow but I can't since my stomach is huge and sticks out, looking gross and disgusting. Home alone, binging and purging, gaining weight and having no one to talk to.

Now I have to go some concert, I promised that one of my collagues...

Bilanse?

Yes, I am back from my PE lesson (I made it), I even went for a short walk after (like 30 or 40 minutes of calm walk) and I am so full of energy I could just dance or run! I was thinking about jogging but it's not dark outside yet, so I won't do that (I am too ashamed ;>).

What I've eaten so far:

- 250g of radish (50 cal)
- light cottage cheese (120 cal)
- rice cake with chicken loin (50 cal)
- a roll (100 cal)
- 2 crakers with cream cheese (140 cal)
- 300g of stired veggies (150 cal)
- 80g of boiled chicken (130 cal)
- 1 cereal bar (150 cal)

So far it's 890 calories.

Then I binged. I ate a looooooot, but some of it - I didn't have a chance to digest. I throwed up a little bit. I think I consumed around 2500 - 3000 calories. Maybe even 3500. It's sad but I know now that eating after 6 p.m. or eating any kind of white bread makes me binge later in the evening...

67,4 kg

Well, I knew this 66,3 yesterday was too good to be true, but today's result isn't so bad either.
I wish I could lose those 2,4 kg by the end of the week... It would be awsome.
31th of October is a really big day for me, firstly as it's Halloween and maybe someone I know will throw a party (like lasy year - it was huuuge!), secondly- I will see my very best friend first time in 3 months and I want to make a good impression, like I didn't gain 'Freshman 15' and I am doing well.
After this weekend and those parties I am soo tired, and it's totally fucked since in 3 hours I have a PE lesson and this is gonna be a tough one. Like really tough!

14.10.12 - MENU

Throughout the day I've consumed:

- 2 light cottage cheese (240 cal)
- 6 rice cakes (120 cal)
- 2 tomatoes (60 cal)
- 1 apple (70 cal)
- 40g of chicken loin (40 cal)
- 1 coffee with 0,5% fat milk (40 cal)
- 150g of fried veggies (100 cal)
- small piece of bread (80 cal)

Approximately it's 750 calories, but I will probably eat something else, so it will finally be 1000.

66, 3 - If only it was true...

So yesterday I was at the party. Two parties to be accurate. And I drank slightly more than one bottle of champagne and I was sooooo wasted. I still feel alcohol in my head and in my veins.I even feel it in my mouth. I must be strongly dehydrated since I stepped on a scale (several times) and it showe 66,3kg. I don't remember when I have seen this number before. I'm guessing around 1st of 2nd grade. Unfortunately, it will be gone tomorrow as soon as I drink few cups of tea or glasses of water.
Ooooooooh how I wish it was true! How I wish I weigh 66 sharp tomorrow!

BIG BUUUUUUUU

Yesterday I was very good yesterday. I watched what I ate (musli with yoghurt, tost with a paste, lettuce with cucumber and pepper, cereal bar) and didn't drink any alcohol or other fizzy drinks. When I counted calories it wasn't even 1000 of them (I managed to count 850 but even if I forgot about something- it couldn't be more than one dietary meal so about 200 cal, but I DIDN'T forget). And today in the morning guess how much I weigh? 68,1 or 68,2. I got so angry, I can't even remember. Anyway, then I binged. That's what I do when I get disappointed I'm afraid.

68 kg

It's so unfair! Yesterday I was 68,1 at 8 o'clock, today I weighed at 10 and it's only 0,1kg less! And I truly tried to eat right the day before. Except from beer. But 0,1kg? REALLY? I even went for a short walk, and went to the gym, and sat for 1 hour while temperature hit 0 C or less... and 100g? No, that is NOT okay, my dears. No, no, no.

Now I am going to eat a breakfast:

- 180g of light cottage cheese (150 cal)
- 135g of fresh radish (30 cal)
- 80/90g of dark bread (100 cal)

It's  280 calories  and I don't give a shit.

I will eat my 1200 calories per day even if it means losing 2 kilograms in 3 weeks. I guess I don't have any other option but to agree on that.

COMPLETE MENU

- 2 coffees with 1,5% fat milk (80 cal)
- light cottage cheese with 3 rice cakes (180 cal)
- 1 cereal bar (110 cal)
- 2 tosts with 25g of chicken loin (170 cal)
- 120g of roasted chicken breast (200 cal)
- 300g of fried vegetables (200 cal)
- 1 beer - Somersby (260 cal)

TOTAL:  1200 calories

First day without binge since I've come from holidays :)

What I ate today?

Here's my today's menu:

- 2 coffees with 1,5% fat milk (80 cal)
- light cottage cheese with 3 rice cakes (180 cal)
- 1 cereal bar (110 cal)
- 2 tosts with 25g of chicken loin (170 cal)


Now I am going to eat some chicken breast (170g ~ 300 cal) with fried vegetables (150 cal).
I'm going for a beer with an old friend. If it turns out 2 beer - 400 calories.

If I have just one beer, it may actually fit into 1200 calories :)

Such a shame I have to go for this beer... :<

68,1

Well, I don't lose weight, but I do not gain it either. That's nice.
Yesterday I ate a lot, so quite suprisingly that my weight isn't higher. I also have to admit that lately weight wasn't my great concern - so much is happening, like school, those other unfortunate things... But it will change. Soon. I need just a little more time to adjust and will figure out something in the matter of healthy eating.

68,2

I barely slept 3 hours today... 2,5 exactly. After that I had to drink to big coffees (on with fat milk cause I forgot to ask for a skimmed one in cafe) - it's probably around 200 calories. I also drank soya milk (140 cal) with cereal bar (90 cal), after that I had fruit juice (100 cal), one roll (100 cal) and some chocolate chips from my musli (110 cal?).

So for now it should be around 750 calories if I haven't forgotten anything. This day didn't exactly started well so I cannot expect it will finish gloriously.  It will be good if I fit into 1500 calories and do not have a binge. Anyway, this is a poor plan for a challenge.

68,7 kg

Today I weight the same as yesterday, but I won't count calories because I don't prepare my meals today, so it would be pointless.
Although:

-huge coffee with 1,5% fat milk (like 0,5 or 0,6l)
-30g of feta cheese (50 cal)
-150g of light cottage cheese (120 cal)
-2 rice cakes (40 cal)
-2 crackers (140 cal)
-a half of roasted chicken breast - around 170g
-a bowl of fried in olive oil vegetables

I also went to my PE lesson today and I worked really hard, doing some cardio and some strengthening exercises, I also went for a short walk. I can't have a binge today... I had them every day during last 2 weeks... and I say: enough.

Better Breakfast

! My breakfast !

- 150g of light cottage cheese (120 cal)

- 200g of radish (40 cal)

- 20g of dark bread (40 cal)

- 2 rice cakes (40 cal)

TOTAL:  240 calories  

Exhausting Weekend

Today I weigh 68,8kg. Or 68.7, I don't remember. Anyway, it's the result of unwisely spent weekend. Instead of organising my room and going to bed early after writing my last note, I went to the party. I got a drunk, I got high and I got Hungry. Naturally hungry + "I have to eat to get sober quickly" + gastro-phase hungry + after that: a Huge Hangover Hungry. Well, in just two days (not even complete yet) 1kg ~ 2 pounds.

I never make good choices, do I?

Caloric Review of the Day

Yeah, today my colleague throws a party but I can't go, because one person I strongly avoid is going. So I will stay home, watch a movie or read a book or binge and purge for a change ;)
Today I ate a piece of bread, light cottage cheese (120 cal), 1 rice cake (20 cal), 1 pack of chewing gum (20 cal), drunk three coffees with 0,5% fat milk (100 cal?). And about 2 bottles od cola light. Hope I don't have a binge. Like I did yesterday and the day before.

So for now it's about 350 calories. 

 

67,7

Well, maybe I will achieve m 67kg-goal till Monday after all. If I do, I will allow myself to go to the cinema. Yesterday I went to the gym ( I only worked out for 20 minutes but I wasn't lazy, so I painfully feel my muscles today (especially my arms hurt a bit).
Today I have my first psychology lecture (although it's not in English, so it will be a brief change). I want to clean up my room first and segregate dome stuff, just to have an orderliness. I want to clean my room, clean my mind, clean my body and well, clean my life. I want to get rid of Him, get rid of all this thoughts about him, this constant concern and attention. He doesn't deserve and for sure I don't deserve to be treated that way. If he refuse to pay attention to me, I can be by myself as well. At least I won't feel being abandoned every day and without obsessive thoughts about him. He really doesn't deserve my love, care or attention.

So, get organized and pull yourself together!

68,4

I'm trying to get my lower weight back and hopefully I will.
@ visited me but it's not that horrible right now (although I have my PE class in the afternoon).
Anyway, I got a little bit sick after hearing that news, especially as I was totally alone. I've been throwing up all night. Maybe that's the cause of my lower weight today-I am dehydrated, haha.

Eating - 3.10.12

My eating not so bad today, could have been a lot better of course. In the morning (I overslept a little bit) I didn't get a chance to eat anything, so after lessons I grabbed a cereal bar (120 cal) and this cheese-cream cake (170 cal). When I got home I ate a sandwich (dark bread+salmon - very fat and a lot of oil), one white roll, a huge bowl of salad (lettuce, tomatoes, pepper, cucumber) with olive oil and a lot of garlic. I also drank 2 coffees with 0,5% fat milk and picked out all cookie crisps from 2 packs of muesli. I felt for it so badly... I couldn't resist I'm afraid. I hope the reason of last few edgy days was the @ coming, not anything else. And it IS coming, I can tell. The only positive thing - IT IS 28th DAY - SO IT IS A           PERFECT TIMING!!!

First time since... I dont't even remember when such thing occured.

First Practise

Today I had my first practise - in smaller groups (15 people) and we had to talk a little about ourselves - those people in my class are so inspiring! They have different courses, they study on vary faculties simultaneously... They are so great! They are really fascinating. Travelling around the world, meeting new people, learning foreign languages, taking interesting classes... That's how you discover yourself, explore the world, possibilities...  That's how you truly learn and educate yourself !
We did some exercises, they were difficult but not overwhelming. I also have my first home assignment :)

First Day at University

Yes, today I had my first lecture, actually three of them :) It was pretty awsome, although I found it pretty hard to fix some time for meals, as the break was only 10-15 minutes each and I was a bit intimidated because it looked like no one around me felt the hunger. Like they don't need to eat. Unfortunately I rebounded it to myself when I came home. I binged, it's a what, fourth or fifth day in a row when I binge? Binging and purging took away last 5 afternoons from me. It's almost a week of being totally paralised, staying at home and being unable to do anything...  In the morning I weighed 69.2kg; guess it will be more tomorrow...