69.1

Yes, today when I weighted myself at noon, the scale showed 69.1 kg, which I don't find horrible right now. I ate two apples (Granny Smith) and I have to push myself to sit on my stationary bike and start working out. Although my belly doesn't look like it has lost 2 kilos, but maybe my legs look a little bit better or something. Just not the breast, please my Lord, not the breast!

I've set some goals for myself. I quite like running, but not when my belly is wiggling all the time, besides - I suppose running isn't good for my joints and knees at that weight, so here is my reward plan:

1. When I go under 68kg - I can start running again.
      -it should be like 67,8 or 67,5 - and I hope I will be able to run

2. When I go under 65kg - I can go to a swimming pool
      -I like swimming very much but I haven't done it for years, as I feel terrible in my swimming suit and I couldn't easily fit any

3. When I go under 62kg - I can take sport I've never experienced before, like skating.
     - my friends like to skate but I've always been afraid that I would look clumsy and overbalance, but the truth is, I'd love to try it someday, just go skating with my friends ;)

     

69.8

Well, today may not be my greatest, but still it wasn't that bad.
I ate the whole bowl of salad with tuna, corn, tomatoes, walnuts and unfortunatelly - mayonaisse. It was really a lot, like 3 or 4 portions. I also ate some rind from bread (knowing it's really unhealthy and has absolutely no nutrition value), but I couldn't help myself.
The good thing is that I've been cycling on my stationary bike for a while and I've burned 500 calories, so I guess my calorie balance doesn't look so bad...

69.5

Yesterday I didn't mess up and I finished the second day of Dukan Diet, but I've only lost 0,5kg since yesterday (when I supposed to lose 0,8) but I don't know if I can make it today. I have this crash, I feel like I've done enough and I won't be able to accomplish. On the other hand, the reasonlable part of my mind is telling that I am barely at the beginning and two days ago I was writing that you should never give up and wanted to be adult... Oh, so weak and so crazy as well as full of pain I am these days.

70.0

I feel like back on the track - 70kg sharp today. I will try to do another protein day, see how it goes. It's rather effective - last time I got rid of 3kilos in 4 days. It's 70 days till the beginning of the Academic Year. And I have about 15 kg (or more, but this is absolutely necessary).
Now I ate scrambled eggs and I am going to the mall with my mum so we can find a right bra for me, as all of those I owe are too small. And I am not going to wait till I lose weight and they fit me. I might fail and not lose any weight as well.

BUT I WILL TRY!

Quite Long Day

Today was a good day - first in a very long time.
I ate only proteins - like on the first day of Dukan Diet. Maybe if I manage I continue it tomorrow.
When I woke up I ate my breakfast (scrambled eggs, no butter) and watched Dorian Gray. It didn't delight me I have to admit. Then I cleaned room - really, really thoroughly. Then I ate another scrambled egg with some loin and I went to cemetery in order to visit my grandpa and light him
votive candle. When I came back home I ate small meat loafs. And I drank coffee with skim milk. After that I went for a walk - it was about 40 minutes long. Now I am back and going to bed. I even put a cream on my face! (I normally don't do that, for the night anyway).
I will try to make tomorrow a proper day as well.

I want to be like this person!

She is my inspiration for sure.

DETERMINATION

Hey guys, I've just come back from sailing. I am sorry to announce that I gained 2 kilos ang I weigh 70.9kg now. I feel like I have to suspend this blog, as when I created it, its purpose was to write about losing weight, not gaining it. I feel like failure to everyone who is visiting this page, because once you start blog about "Journey to Slenderness" you make a promise to be an inspiration and role model for others.
For last few weeks I've been giving up too quickly (on the other hand -there is no such thing like "giving up in right time" - you should NEVER EVER GIVE UP) and that's why I am so miserable. Because it is my fault as I haven't really tried. If you don't have enough willpower it means that you don't really want this to happen. And that makes me really ashamed of myself, beacuse what is the point of talking and writing and thinking about it so much if you don't really want this to happen?

DETERMINATION is the key to success. And a grown up person has a self-control and power over himself. And a grown up person doesn't give up. This is the measure of adulthood, that you make decisions of your own and you take the responsibility for those decisions. And what's more important, YOU STICK WITH THEM. You choose your way and you follow it. If you manage to do that, it means you are an adult. And know it is a time that I learn how to be an adult.
Because it's a high time I was one. And I want to be one. 

LOOK IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

and never give up

SAILING!

This afternoon I messed up a little as I had my family for a birthday cake. Of course I ate some things during cooking, like cakes, cereal bars, cottage cheese and roll with dressing... bad things. A lot of bad things. But I didn't eat my birthday cake - so proud of myself. Although after that I ate a bowl of salad with mushrooms, croutons and mayonnaise. So it doesn't really make a difference if I ate my own cake or not :D On the other hand, nothing can spoil my wellbeing today!

Anyway, tomorrow I am going sailing for the first time in my life, I am going back on Tuesday and from Wednesday on - I WILL START DIET, EXERCISING AND LEARNING ENGLISH!

American Culture

Today I went to the office to hand over all my documents.
I am officially studying American Culture now. Wooooooow, I have no idea how it's going to be. I mean, studying in English? Really? I don't know if I can manage.

But I am a student now! American Culture Student!

 

FINAL RESULTS

YES, I GOT IN - EVERYWHERE THAT I WANTED!




I have been accepted to Mathematic Studies, Mediterranean Civilization and Cultural Studies of USA.

I've been maundering all day and trying to decide between Maths and USA. I finally made my decision - Cultural Studies of USA. It may be hard, but I hope it will be worth it, it will be interesting and it will give me weider view on American Culture. Next year I also want to rewrite my maths and civics exams, and if I manage - next fall I will also go to Maths.

THE RESULTS

The results of my applications are already out there, I just can't see them, because the the site is overloaded. Haha, such a joke! I AM DYING NOW!!!

Last Wednesday Night

Yesterday at 10.00 p.m. my friends called me and asked if I wanted to go and hang out with them, I agreed of course; this decision led me straight to the off-licence shop 2 hours later, as I quickly belted down to bears and pleased for a bottle of white whine. Sparkling white wine. Nothing could really stop me, so I took my friend's little brother's bike and cycled for 20 minutes to the 24hour shop. That was just after midnight. Another 2 hours (and one Limoncello liqueur) we were dancing to Danza Kuduro and Welcome to St. Tropez in the living room. That was the beginning of the end.

At 3 a.m. I started to crush so I also started to eat. I ate literally everything. Me and my friend went home at 4 a. m. (it was a really long trip, while normally walking this distance takes us 10-15 minutes, we were going home for almost hour). When I got home ( I had a brillant idea not to wake up my family and to get into my house through the balcony and the window - thank God it's only about 1,6 meter high).

After such an adventurous trip I had to eat again. And when I woke up, I also ate. And I've been eating all the time since then and also have puked a little bit in the morning and I am so stressed I am about to start biting my nails.

Why do I do such things?

2nd Day - 69.8kg

When I stepped on the scale today, I was very pleased.

Although I know it is mostly water that I got rid of, it is still encouraging and makes you feel a little bit better. I have to just work everyday on my body and health and maybe one day - it will give the results.

As for now, I ate a huge tomatoe (like 250g or something) with light cottage cheese. It's only 10.00 o'clock and I hardly ever eat my breakfast before noon, but today I had troubles with sleeping and I woke up very tired and very hungry.

I am so stressed about my college studies - tomorrow at 14.00 the results of my applications for Warsaw University and Warsaw University of Technology are gonna be announced. I feel so weak, I have a headache, I can't sleep, my mind is basically going crazy. And I still have over 30 hours of that pleasure.

1st Day

Today I tried to eat healthy.

On the breakfast I ate light cottage cheese with one tomatoe.

Then I ate protein shake (70cal).

At 6.00 o'clock I ate chicken breast fried in bran and 3 small tomatoes.

I have also drank two mugs of coffee with 1,5% fat milk and ate a tiny piece of yeast-cake.

70.7 again - such a fail

Yesterday I was at the party and I drunk a lot of white wine (semi-dry) and when I came home I ate Mars and a big yeast-cake AND a small sandwich with cheese. Then I went for a night-walk, but I don't really think it made any difference.

Therefore I shouldn't be surprised that the scale pointed 70.7kg today. I also have my period and I am angry with everyone and everything. I am going sailing this Saturday but I don't even worry about how I am gonna look in the swimsuit, because I probably won't wear it anyway. I should have thought about it 2 weeks ago, now it's too late to do anything.

I've stopped counting down days left to holidays, I just want to eat healthier and eventually lose some weight. I have no clue when would it happen.

Basic Rules

These are rules I have to learn by heart and follow everyday if I ever want to lose weight and become a slender, beautiful female. These are for myself, so you don't even need to read it.



1. EAT ONLY THINGS you would want to keep in your body for more than 15 minutes.

2. DO NOT EAT crap you may want to vomite later.

3. EAT only things which caloricity is known.

4. EAT only things which provides your body some nourishment.

5. EAT only small portions so your belly can always be flat.


6. PLAN what you will eat.

7. ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU FEED YOUR BODY WITH.

BIRTHDAY

Today I have my birthday.

I'm officially 19 years old now.

This wasn't a good year. Actually, it was a nightmare, for many reasons. I want it all to change now. I want to change myself, as I grow up, I am becoming an adult, I am becoming a woman. In the fall I am going to university and no matter what my major will be, I want to try my best.
I don't want another year to pass on my wondering how I gain weight, how I lose weight, how I manage to maintain weight. I want to have a normal, beautiful life.
It's up to me to decide about it.
It's up to me to make a change.

Welcome my 20th year of life!
I want you to be my best.

 

Last Day

It's 6 o'clock in the morning, I ate my big dose of sugar already and I am gonna take a shower and well, leave. Sugar was really necessary beacause I slept for 2,5 hour, yet, interrupted by a phone call my friend gave (she's at the seaside with our mutual friends) around 4 o'clock. Basically - it's a miracle that I have managed to open my eyes.

BUT

I am ready for the trip! I wanna have fun and experience something new and something exciting! I've never really traveled with my friends (as an organizator anyway) so I am quite excited just about that. And when we make it to the city, we are going to go to this nice small bar/restaurant for pancakes!!!

So I guess I want be able tto count calories, but hey - it's my last day of being 18th!

Next Year

Tomorrow I have my 19th birthday.
When I come back home I don't want nothing to be the way it was before.

I don't want my life to go in circles of eating and puking and starving and feeling guilty all the time...
I am too weak know and I know that. I don't know what happened to me during last few weeks... I was so strong and doing so well... And now I can't get anything done, like I have lost the hope or something... I start and I quit, I begin and I end as quickly as it is possible... There is no anger in me, there is no POWER, there is just a guilt and hopelessness...
I guess I know when has it started. It was the day I told my two close friends I am a bulimic. And they told me the same about themselves. And that was the day, I chose a failure. I just have lost the will, the power, the hope. Like everything has been taken from me the minute we found out that we are all the same, having the same problems and fighting the same battle. We have also promised that we will be for each other all the time, every time there is a need for this, but I don't want to. I know I am selfish but I just don't want to. It's killing me and it puts me into misery and it takes all energy from me and I just don't want to be like that anymore.

If I have to abandon them, that's what I will do. It doesn't matter what's anyone else is thinking or what they will think of ME, but they don't know anything. They don't know the truth so their judgement cannot be adequate, it's not exact, because they don't know anything at all...!

I will be 19 years old soon and I don't have much time left to consider other people's opinions. 

This year has to be all about me and it will be.
I have to make this year about me and I am READY to do it.

SUMMER PLANS

AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WEIGH 69.8KG!!!!!!!!!! IT'S ALMOST 70!!!! I WANNA KILL MYSELF. I AM SOOOOO ANGRY (WITH MYSELF AGAIN, OF COURSE).

And tomorrow me and my friends are going away so it will be really hard to stick to the diet, besides I have my birthday on Saturday, so we will probably go out and drink a lot... Anyway, this laziness has to stop. It definitely has to stop. I am going to shop today to buy earplugs so I can start running again (little running, not like a serious running). But I have to do something instead of sitting on my ass all day and eating and gaining weight. I hate vacation and holidays, because I always have so much brilliant plans for myself, and how I am gonna improve my body during THIS summer, and THIS summer will be different and bla bla bla... And nothing really works out in the end.

BUT THIS SUMMER HAS TO BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE

 I AM GOING TO UNIVERSITY IN THE FALL!!!

 

 

WHAT ABOUT CALORIES?

I want to limit my calories significantly.

I should consume between 600 and 800 calories, but I'm aware that it's hard and I won't cope if I will be training.
Therefore I will try to eat 800-1000 calories.
If it's too hard, I increase this number to 1000-1200.

THE BASIC RULE

I have to measure and weigh everything I eat so I know exactly how many calories it is.
I also have to write it down and count.



I DID IT ONCE, WHY SHOULDN'T I DO IT AGAIN?

PLAN

Well, the plan is quite simple:

MORNING:

1. small tea or coffe in a cup

2. short walk (around 30min)

3. fitness -exersices (supposed to be 1,5h)

 -legs
 -belly
 -thighs
 -butt
 -shoulders
 -arms


AFTERNOON:

training on stationary bicycle (1,5-2,5h)
AS LONG AS I BURN 700 calories

EVENING:

walk with a friend or alone (like 1,5h)
or
going cycling with a friend

And the Start

I've decided I have to stop posting meanless posts here and surfing the internet as I weigh over 69kilo again. It's time to move ass and start working hard. As I don't have a job, maybe I should focus on myself and my body.

I have so much time now, I should be working out like crazy. I don't have a motivation though. Maybe later today I will come up with some great plan for my eating and training and I will be following it from tomorrow.
I also have to plan the weekend cause I have my birthday on Saturday and decided to spend it with 3 of my friends from school, so we are going to this other city to watch speedway (for the first time, it's semifinal of World Cup or something), but I still have whole 2 days to arrange so they don't get bored.

The End

Everything sucks lately. I've gained a lot of weight, I didn't get a job I was hoping, my friend (THIS male friend) acts like a stranger to me (we don't talk to each other - literally), I don't have anything to do and nobody's calling me and I am so lonely and I am eating all the time. I hate my life. I hate myself.
I feel like everybody around me has their life going on and I'm the only one stucked with NOTHING, hopelesness, boredom, no money, ugliness and clumsiness. 

Last few days - I feel like a total fail, I AM A TOTAL FAIL. I am so miserable.