Terrible Secret

I read somewhere once that when you start suffering from eating disorder, you stop growing emotionally. You are stucked in emontional growth till you recover - only then you can make progress and continue self-development. Which basically means, for me, that emontionally - I am on the stage of 16-year old girl. That mostly explains my problems with any kind of relationships. I'm not ready for them, because emotionally - I've barely started becoming a woman. I may look all like a grown-up (or even sometimes sexy woman) while I am still a child inside. A real child. I've always wondered (past few years) what is wrong with me, why anyone matches me? Now I know. I often feel threatened like boys may want something from me and they shouldn't. Well, they should. They can. It's natural. I still consider people my age children, whereas I'm the exception. Things like sex? Totally awkward and distant subject for me. People my age do it. It's normal. Have you ever wondered if anorexics or bulimics are virgins? My guess is - they are. They haven't grown to be old enough to be able to have sex. They are, like, retarded. Disease took it all from them - not they are disabled physically only, but mentally as well. And now what? I can't chase my friends, my collagues. Maybe one or two years ago I could, now they are out of my reach. I can't be in a relationship, I can't demand love from anyone. It's not fair to do it, because I can't repay that feeling, because I am not able to, because I once thought throwing up will help me deal with some other problems and now... Now I just don't owe my life anymore. I fall behind everyone and everything that meant something for me and I am left with nothing. I am all by myself, totally alone. And it will remain that way.