First Exam

Today I have my French exam and I know totally nothing, I had no time to prepare (at all) and I think today I diet will be based on high-sugar junk shit, because I have to study and stuff and have a toooons of energy to revise something at all ( I have my test on 5 p.m.) Yep. I am angry because it turned out yesterday that once I decide to fuck up or do a little cheating, everything, like practically the world turns against me. Seriously! So I have to be conscious all the time and not have ANY doubts, yeah. You can't just fuck up and then just fix it. You can. EVERYTHING will be against you if you decide to give up or cheat. But wait till tomorrow when my exam session is officially underway motherfuckers! It will be a bootcamp you've never seen before!

1300 calories

I think that today I ate around 1300 calories, which is not that bad.

Breakfast:
radish, light cottage cheese, dark bread ~ 220 calories

Lunch:
light fraise cheese, crackers, Milky Way ~ 360 calories

Dinner:
pop corn, instant soup, half of the apple, a roll ~ 650-700 calories?


I think that sum in sum it was a pretty good day when it comes to eating.

69.0

Yep, 2 days ago I weighed 68 kg or even less, but yesterday I was so tired I slept all day and couldn't really move, just eating and drinking (beer, hy hy) so I'm back on 69 today. But my plan is to eat more vegetables, eat healthier, abandon beer maybe? But really, lately I had to watch some movies for my school project ("Perfect Vagina", Dove "Evolution Commercial" and some others) I realized, I cannot let others to tell  me what should I be or how should I look like. What really does matter is how do you feel with your body, how you treat it. Body is an integral part of yourself, so you should take care of it and love it, but at the same time - it's not the only thing that you have to offer. I met some really great people lately and yes, personality does matter. I want to be liked, I don't have to be a Miss Universe who is admired and followed on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. I'm almost 20 and finally - I want to have friends who like me - both my body and my character. They don't have to adore you, but like - I think it's enough, it's normal. I want to lose some weight because I have many smaller pretty things to wear and it would be definitely healtier for my knees, but from now on - I don't think it will be such a priority. I used to look at people and judge them and then I looked critically at myself, but I guess now I am starting to look deeper into people. Maybe I've started growing up, ha ha. Or it's just today is a good day and I am in a good mood :D

69,1

I think it's because my @ has ended, my body offloaded the excessive water and my weight returned to its average point. But it's getting warmer and warmer outside and hopefully I won't be feeling hungry soon, just thirsty. Whatever, I am too tired and too busy to care about anything right now, I just wish the school is over and I can sleep a little bit more than 4 hours a day. I cannot concentrate on diet or stuff like that because I am already exhausted and I need energy and I need fast food, because I'd rather spend 15 extra minutes in bed than doing salad or something... Ehh, whatever, I have to go to do the project for Monday before I head out to my fabulous 9-hour 8zl per hour job. Soooo cannot wait!

It is so sad when you are on a diet for a period of time, and then everything gets fucked up ONCE and it stays that way... I mean, once you start binging and purging (just once, just one day) you cannot really break the circle. so you do it repeatedly, day after day, and you cannot even start eating healthy, properly... it is so sad. And yesterday also- I started my day with an ice-cream (a very good one, I admit). It was like 320cal, and I didn't eat for 4 hours then so it was normal intake when it comes to calories, but I ate one more little popover and then I drank sweet liquer and... everything fucked up :) I've started drinking hot water in the morning, it is supposed to clean your body.

Bad Bad Day

Yesterday I had a really bad day. Instead of going to the University and my PE lesson, I went out with my friend (it was barely 1 p.m.) and we started to drinking. White sweet wine, a glass of sweet strawberry champagne... As a result we got a little drank and we had to get sober quickly, because her parents came home and they brought grandma... And you can't smell like a pub in the presence of your 80-year old grandma. So we started eating. Sweets, mostly. And then I came home and then everything got fucked up. And I binged, and I purged, and everything is just like a week  ago - 70,2 kg and I am totally unhappy... And I thought all of this was well behind me...

69,1 :(

I have my @ now and yesterday I ate like everything, just tons and tons of sweets, I can't help it when I'm about to have @. I fucked up so badly, but at least I know exactly why. I tried to stay strong, but cravings were awful. Does not matter anymore, I won't be beat by my own body. I'm a little bit worried though because I have my PE lesson tomorrow and it will be pretty exhausting and I don't know if I can manage PE after such long break.
Today I ate a light fromage frais and a coffee with 1,5% fat milk ~ 160 calories.
Now I have to do some writing for my final essay and then I am going to my French lesson. I missed all lectures today, my stomach is like a clinched fist :<

Keep calm, I will get back on a track in few days! And I promise to stay out of sweets for now! Eat healthy and sooner or later everything will be okay and normal again :)

67,9

Yes, although yesterday I was cheating again, the scale shows quite pretty figure. I ate one chocolate praline yesterday (friend gave it to me in the theatre and I found it impolite to refuse) and then as I came back home I allowed myself to eat some lettuce with 1000 islands sos, along with a few ravioli and a piece of bread. And I learned how to drink black coffee without a sugar! However, first coffee at home has to be drunk from my pink mug and it has to be with milk :) but later on I will drink only black coffee, I guess. Well, soon I have to head out to work, not so optymistic. And tomorrow I have my PE lessons, and there is so much stuff to do, and I don't know... I'm just so tired, it's not about the diet, just... life. So tired. Good thing is - 5th day without binging. But still- so tired.

68,3

Yep, just 0,4kg since yesterday, but I might have cheated a bit. I mean I drank like 3 cups of coffee with milk and I ate a lemon and 2 or 3 spoons of semolina. And I didn't move that much. However, it's nice to be 68,3 instead of 70,3 which I was just few days ago. I don't have any kind of plan or anything, I just want to lose as much as possible; doesn't matter if it's 2 kg or 5 kg. In a sense, I will be glad with any kind of change. I just want to feel better with myself, with my body. I want to feel lighter and healthier, and I don't want to binge. It's my fourth day without binging and purging so far. I don't know if I ever managed to stay out of this for more than 5 days. I want to try a week. God, even 6 days would be great. But what if you don't binge for two weeks? After 3 years of binging and purging every day? Is that mean your free from that? Is it mean that you're recovered? Well, as for now, I don't even consider failure, because once you do, you automatically fail. Good luck!

68,7

Back in the game. A lot of bad and crazy things have happened lately and thats why I didn't want or have time to write. But I think I'm much stronger now and I have a power to pursue my dreams. I can do anything. I know that. This is my first day on Dukan Diet (it's just has started actually) and automately third day without binging and purging. I feel so much happier and stronger and in control when I'm not doing it. I wish I could never do it again. I have to find my priorities, I have to find this power in myself. But as I said, I think I'm much stronger and in better condiotion (at least psychologically ;> ) than I was 2 months ago. And no matter what happens and no matter how many times I fall, I will go forward. So think you will see more posts here now, and majority will be optimistic :)