Old Times

I visited my attic yesterday and went through my old diaries and notebooks. And all the memories came back to me as I saw the weight- check in the corner of every page. Those most horryfying inscriptions were from first grade of highschool, I believe my darkest period. At that time, I weighed about 82-84 kilos, although now as I recall those individual scenes from my life, I remember one  particular day. It was probably Friday, as I had my PE on the first lesson. I didn't want to exercise so badly, because I was so fat (it was before I have started puking). I remember the day before I made some kind of commitment to myself, that if the scale shows less than 85 kg, I am going to PE, and if it's above 85 kg, I am staying home. Unfortunately, the weight was ABOVE 85, however I found the power in myself to go to this lesson anyway. It was so hard, I almost bursted into tears. And there was also one day (those memories are quite hazy, but I don't think I could make up such thing), when the scale showed something around 87. It might have been 87 or 87,6 or something like that. But it happened one or two times, probably the day after frightful binge, when I was bloated and still full of food. But there was a time like this, a time when I weighed 84-85 kilos, I felt, well, horrible and I was ashamed and it was all so excruciating that I pulled it out from my memory. I can't believe I actually weighed THAT much and I don't even want to know how I looked during that time. In my everyday life when someone asks me about my highest weight, I answer 75-76 kilos, becasue I just DON'T remember worse times. If it wouldn't be for those diaries with direct weight from everyday scaling, I would have forgotten this completely. 3 years ago I could actually weigh 16 or 17 kilos more than I weigh now... And I don't remeber that time at all. I remember what my days were like before the first grade and after that, but I have practically NO memories from the time I was the heaviest. Maybe it is connected to the fact that it was the exact same time, when my father left us and it's commonly known that we displace unpleasant memories. But I have weighed 85 kilos... unbelievable.