Yesterday I ate dinner at 6.30 p.m. and managed not to snack till 11.00, when I (wo-whoa!) decided to go for a run. I came home around 12 and I wasn't feeling sleepy, so I started watching movies. When 2.00 o'clock chimed, I went down to the kitchen and consumed HUGE bowl of cauliflower and tomatoes with garlic&olive sauce. Then I drank a mug of green tea. Now it's quarter to 3.00 and I have my stomach so fulled up that it aches. It may also be an indigestion. However, I am stupid. I am so, so stupid. Why on the earth would I go to the kitchen at 2.00 o'clock and allow myself anything else than a tea? I can't believe I let myself down like that again...
I know must stay awake till around 5.00 a.m. so my stomach has a chance to digest all that food. I am soooo soooo angry with myseld, especially that I caused this pain to myself by myself.
WHY I AM INCONSISTENT AND INCONSEQUENTIAL? I ALWAYS have to pay for my mistakes and I usually do it alone while scaling. Or while sitting alone in my room, wondering if my stomach is ever gonna stop aching.
I have decided I will stop puking. That's another thing about myself I have to fight. I was standing in this kitchen, considering if I should eat pasta with spinach and some roll, bread, than some sweets, than - probably anything and end up above the toilet or come back to my room and lay down trying to get through stomachache or vomit just the cauliflower and tomatoes. As two days earlier I made a promise I will fight my bulimia problem, I chose the second option. And know I'm about to go make myself another cup of tea. I just hang on a thought that I provided some nutrition to my body and those weren't totally wasted calories. Although I sabotaged my effort to lessen my stomach and it SUCKS.
No comments:
Post a Comment