59,3

Wohoa. Great. Normally I would jump around a house out of joy, but it doesn't matter any more (at least for now.) I just don't give a fuck right now, it doesn't matter because he can't see me and what is more important I can't see him. And I miss him so much. Last time we saw each other - 6th of January... What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy partly was great and sweet; partly - treated me like a whore and I kind of fall for that...
Not-eating is the only thing that helps me not feeling like a total shit. It kind of gives you a power - not eating, not purging; like other people cannot really hurt you because you're in control (bla bla bla "it's not true" - but it is. As long as feeling is subjective.) I don't wanna fall apart. I cannot afford it mentally. Not now. Not helpless. Not with him. I just wish he hugged me. Kissed me. Made me feel pretty and attractive. Made me feel I am worth something. Made me feel special.
Well, maybe I am not.