59,7

Hey ho,

I stopped taking laxatives, I don't puke that much - it is quite good. Weight isn't that bad either.
I try to eat half of my meals healthy; like a cottage cheese with radish; grilled chicken; fish soup - I am trying to avoid carbs, I let myself eat sweets in the morning though :D

Unfortunately, I started smoking again but I will try to cut on it soon. I generally feel pretty good:) Have to dash now, but keep you posted!

60,4

Oooookay, so a lot has been happening last months and I was too busy to be able to write here, although I have been promising to myself that I would. Especially last two months and one person by whom these two months were owned. But this person is gone now, far, faaar away and I will probably never see her again in my life. This thought makes me very sad and nostalgic and it was really hard for me to deal with it.

That is why I want to focus on myself and my diet again. Focus on getting closer to perfection, the closest I can get. To achieve everything that I have planned or I only will plan in the future. I want to be this perfect girl; for myself. I don't care how much it is going to take, how much it is going to take from me but I am willing to give it. Whatever it takes. I am ready to fight this battle now.

@@@

I have my @ so I do not weigh myself because that only makes me sad and I know I have gained weight and I am fat. Yesterday I didn't sleep practically at all and I had to wake up at 5 o'clock cause at 7 I had to be downtown ready to work (shift from 7 to 16). Today I have both classes and errands to do... I am so tired and I eat so fucking much, and so fucking much sweets. I hate myself for that. I have to get a grip cause I feel like shit.

Everything is even harder as my bestfriend is so beautiful...

61,1 - back again

Hi everyone :)

Lately I had some problems with proper eating and I gained weight again. It sucks. Last few weeks were terrible, I was sad, I ate all the time, I consumed a horryfying amount of sweets, I binged and purged on a regular basis - like everyday. But it has to stop. And it has to stop now. I've been stucked on that level for too long. I cannot say I am awfully miserable with my current figure but it's not what I aimed for. I wanted to see 50,0 on a scale before I turn 21. And I don't have much time left.

50,0 kilograms. It's a goal to achieve. Like anything else. To prove myself (and others as well) that I can. Maybe I don't have to, but I want to know that I am able to. Like getting into the best university. No one said I am gonna study there, but it's pure satisfaction to be accepted. And I want to feel that "being thin" feeling again. I may be average now, but after all these years of being covered with fat, I want to know how it feels to be skinny. Or slender at least.

And well, that blog has really helped me in managing weight so far, so I am coming back. And I will be posting more regularly. I promise to make it one of my priorities in the morning.

61,1 is a big number. It's a sad number. But I will beat it.

59,8

Lately everything has been quite rocky. Studying, partying, not eating, drinking and smoking; then binging and purging... Not sleeping enough. Thinking about this guy. Everyday. I don't know what I feel or what I want anymore... I'm confused. I'm lost.

My weight is fluctuating, it was like 61,7 yesterday morning. I want to start running again, but it's freezing outside in the evening. I want to start eating normally again, although it's hard after more than a month of this starving/drinking/binging/purging cycle.

I don't know what is happening in my head or my heart right now.

59,3

Wohoa. Great. Normally I would jump around a house out of joy, but it doesn't matter any more (at least for now.) I just don't give a fuck right now, it doesn't matter because he can't see me and what is more important I can't see him. And I miss him so much. Last time we saw each other - 6th of January... What the fuck is wrong with me? Guy partly was great and sweet; partly - treated me like a whore and I kind of fall for that...
Not-eating is the only thing that helps me not feeling like a total shit. It kind of gives you a power - not eating, not purging; like other people cannot really hurt you because you're in control (bla bla bla "it's not true" - but it is. As long as feeling is subjective.) I don't wanna fall apart. I cannot afford it mentally. Not now. Not helpless. Not with him. I just wish he hugged me. Kissed me. Made me feel pretty and attractive. Made me feel I am worth something. Made me feel special.
Well, maybe I am not.

60

Yep, finally 60 sharp.
But I don't feel any satisfaction.
Besides, I've been drinking/getting myself stoned constantlu during last 3 days and I don't feel good about it. I also started smoking cigarettes again. I don't have anyone to care about this cause the guy I've been hanging out lately turned out to be a real jerk simply interested in sex and when I had a problem and just wanted to talk to somebody, well... he vanished. Doesn't read my messages on facebook, while he does, not responding, he doesn't text back on my texts ( I mean I'm not some crazy person that stalks him 24/7, although I think about him that much, but this situation lasts you know, for two weeks... like seriously who am I kidding and why am I doing a fool out of myself'; I know he doesn't care its just I care for him not caring...and it sucks and it hurts.) I am an idiot who falls for inappropriate guys, now I am just a 60-kilogram-idiot-who-falls-for-inappropriate-guys.