BRAEAKDOWN BREAKDOWN BREAKDOWN

I DON'T WANT TO WRITE, I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN, I DON'T WANT TO EXIST I JUST WANT TO DISAPPEAR, I WANT TO HIDE UNDER MY SHEET AND NEVER EVER GO OUT AGAIN. I AM SO ASHAMED AND SO TIRED AND I JUST WANNA BE INVISIBLE.

64,9 ;(

Unfortunately, I overate yesterday. Badly. Moreover, I didn't have any laxatives left to use so I had to go to sleep with this awfully brimful stomach. Even worse is the fact that I just woke up, it's 8.30 in the morning and I am already hungry. How am I supposed to go through the whole day? I made some very, very bad decisions yesterday and they will haunt me frow now on; first time in last few days when I actually GAIN any weight instead of losing it... Very, very sad beginning of the week. 1 of December is on Saturday and I was hoping to see 63 kg on a scale, now I have to put off my plans, which makes me very angry. And while being angry, I eat. Not good, again. Well, I will have to face my fears and start over. As always.

64,5

Well, yesterday I didn't really eat much, some cottage cheese with radishes, an apple, lettuce with dressing and some swettened juice along with some alcohol (but again, not too much, more like 1 or 2 drinks). When I was home alone I did some exercising. I may have dropped some water, since I stopped drinking soda so I am not that bloated any more... It's true what they say about fizzy drinks. Anyway, today I have some errands to run, so not sure how my eating will turn out. Will try my best. Tomorrow I have my PE lesson, though I am glad it will help me burn some calories, it will be reaaaaly hard. Have to go now, bisous!

65 kg

Yes, it looks like hit the mini-goal. Although I binged a little yesterday, took some laxatives then (not that much) and the scale says what is says. It's nice, it's really, really nice. I am starting to look like human being again. And I haven't looked in so many years. I am starting to feel normal among other people, but it is still far away from confidence. I always feel like lacking something, especially taking look at my friends. They are all so normal and naturally beautiful and, well, my body is just fat; what's beautiful in that? Anyway, I am glad to see that number on a scale; I will try do better today, not having a breakdown which would  implicate a binge.

65,4

Well, yesterday I ate mostly fruits and vegetables (grapefruit, apple, grean beans, ice lettuce with a dressing) and some "bites" of other things. I also went to the gym. This is nice, I mean dropping weight, but I have to figure out some more specific and healthier plan of eating, now it's quite accidental and I'm afraid I am more likely to do something wrong and quit. I will figure it out soon, hopefully.

Today I am going to a party, but with a car, so I won't drink. I have my PE earlier and it will be tough I can imagine. Hope those exercises will help to boost my metabolism a little and maybe, maybe... I wish I could see 64 on a scale before December...

65,8 :)

Yesterday I was learning the whole day sitting on my ass so I was very pleased when I saw this number ;) It's 39 days till New Year's Eve and I promised myself some time ago that I will weight no more than 60kg on this day. So six kilos, 5 weeks... It's not impossible, but we will see. If I manage to do that, I will break the curse - last time I weighed that much was on New Years Eve in the first class or secondary school, so like 6 years ago?
Well, today I will hit the gym, I cannot predic how it will be with eating, but last two days I stayed out of unhealthy food, I even turned down the offer of two cakes and a chocolate...But how long will it last. Busy day again, as always lately, so I am going to eat my delicious grapefruit before leaving for school. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

66,3 ;)

Not so bad. I mean, six o'clock in the morning, without any laxatives - I don't moan. On the other hand, I do not see how could I possibly achieve my next goal - that is 64 kilos. Everything is so delayed by this illness... I don't wanna give up, it's just I feel now like I'm a little bit stucked in this weight. Not a nice feeling. Although, I appreciate how far I've come ( I mean this few months since my final exams) and I CAN fit into my pants, so it isn't all bad, but still... I don't have this FAITH, you know what I mean?